


i want to touch you but not like this

by saddergaze



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, how do u even tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-02 05:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20270713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddergaze/pseuds/saddergaze
Summary: “David, you were right.” Matteo was currently lying on the floor of David’s room. His eyes were bright red and tears were threatening to spill. For the past few hours he hadn’t said anything. He was quietly getting high while David was working on some project.David turned to the boy lying next to him. “Of course I am.” He grinned. “What is this about?”Matteo took another drag from his joint. “Love is bullshit.”





	1. nothing lasts

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this wouldn't leave my head, so i decided to write it! this is my first fanfic !!! please be nice! or not? I'll probably delete it after a day haha. u can probably tell, but english isn't my first language, so please, excuse all my mistakes. title of the fic is from i wanna be your girlfriend by girl in red, and the title of the chapter is from nothing lasts by bedroom

“Luigi, I know you are sad, but you can’t hide in your room forever.” Jonas was getting impatient. It was hard for him to see his best friend like this. “I know you loved Noah, but he has moved on, and you should too.”

“Yeah, dude, we will find you another cute boy, you just have to come out.” Carlos said while continuously tapping on the door of Matteo’s room. “Come on, Abdi and David will be here soon.”

“Matteo?” Jonas tried again, but he didn’t answer. “That’s it, we are coming in.” Just as Jonas was about to brag in, Matteo opened the door.

He looked terrible. His hair was dirty, his eyes were red and puffy. The clothes he was wearing were wrinkled and had mysterious stains. His room was incredibly messy. Everything smelled like weed and there were empty beer bottles everywhere.

“Jesus.” Jonas exclaimed when he took in the state of his best friend.

“Matteo” Carlos started. “You can’t-”

“Two years.” Matteo said quietly. “We were together for two years, you-”

“Yeah, and we let you mourn for three months.” Jonas interrupted him. “Now, it’s time to let go.” Matteo tried to close the door again, but Carlos caught it.

“Luigi, seriously? You’ve been sad all summer. We hardly ever see you.” Matteo went back to his room and sat on his bed. Carlos and Jonas looked at each other and went in after him. Then Carlos added “We really miss you. It’s hard seeing you like this. We want to help.”

“I just-” Matteo was tearing up again. “Fuck.” He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes. He didn’t move his hands until colourful spots appeared before his vision. Then, someone caught his wrists, but still, he didn’t move.

“Hey.” at the sound of David’s voice Matteo looked up. David was now holding both his hands while standing in front of him. Abdi was at the door.

“Do you want to go to the movies?” David asked softly.

Abdi, who was now next to David, questioned “Weren’t we going to a club?”

“No, we can go another time.” Jonas answered. “When Luigi wants.” He put his arm around Matteo’s shoulders. “We can just hang out now.”

“We’ll go wherever you want, Matteo.” Carlos put his head on Matteo’s shoulder and his arm around his waist.

“Go take a shower.” David pulled him out of Jonas’ and Carlos’ embrace. “We will figure out where to go when we are out.”

When he stood up, Matteo was so close to David. He could feel the heat radiating from his friend’s body. He could see clearly the freckles on his face. Matteo knew he was staring, but he didn’t care. David really was beautiful - big eyes, long eyelashes, full lips. It was no wonder why everyone liked him so much.

Finally, Matteo spoke “I want to eat something.” he said. “You guys are paying.”

David laughed. “Alright. Go now, you stink.”

Half an hour later the boys were at a pizza place near Matteo’s flat.

Their table was near the window. Matteo and David were sitting next to it, facing each other, while Abdi, Carlos and Jonas formed a semi-circle next to them. They were chatting idly about the upcoming school year, about abi and universities. Matteo was zoning out. He didn’t participate in the conversation. As someone who had no idea what he was going to do with his life, Matteo didn’t feel like he could contribute much. So, he decided to stay quiet, either looking out of the window or staring at David.

The waitress came to their table with the food they had ordered. She put milkshakes and fries in front of David to the horror of the other four boys. 

“Please, don’t.” Abdi pleaded. David smirked at him and dipped one of the fries in the milkshake. “Oh my god.” Jonas groaned.

“Delicious!” exclaimed David, after having eaten it. Then he laughed and looked out of the window. Matteo was glaring at him. “Fuck.” David said under his breath. Then Matteo realised that his friends had stopped talking and all of them were looking out of the window. Their faces were neutral, only David and Jonas were frowning. He turned and looked, too. There, he saw a boy and a girl. His heart started beating faster. That was his ex, Noah, walking down the street with Leonie.

He was dressed in ripped black jeans and a yellow sweater, that Matteo used to love very much and would steal all the time. His curly blond hair was hidden under a beanie. He wasn't wearing contact lens like usual, but he had his thick-framed glasses that Matteo would always make fun of.

_“You look like such a nerd.” Matteo would laugh._

_“Shut up, oh my god.” Noah would snap. But then he would pull Matteo close to him and kiss him. “So annoying.” He would roll his eyes, but smile and Matteo would feel so warm and happy._

He laughed at something Leonie said and Matteo felt like someone was squeezing his heart. It’s really painful how someone who had been so precious to you, could turn into a complete stranger. It’s been months since Noah broke up with him, but the pain hadn’t lessen.

Noah and Matteo met at a party two years ago, when they were both sixteen. Back then, Matteo was pretty fucking miserable. After his dad fucked off to Italy, he had to move out of his mom’s house, because she was getting worse and he couldn’t take care of her. What’s more, he was struggling with accepting the fact that he wanted to kiss his best friend more than his own girlfriend. Eventually, he had broken up with Sara, because there was no point in lying to her and to himself. He liked boys, no matter how many times he kissed Sara or tried to do something more, this fact wouldn’t change.  
Another thing he couldn’t change was how Jonas felt about him, which was another reason for his misery.

But mostly he felt guilty. He felt guilty that he left his mother, that he lied to Sara, that he was keeping secrets from his friends. He felt sad and alone; trapped even. Matteo wanted to disappear, so he didn’t have to deal with all of this shit.

His friends had dragged him to a party, wanting to help him get over Sara. Not that it was needed, but they didn't know. But a couple of hours into the party he hid in the bathroom, drowning his feelings in cheap beer, wishing he could forget everything. Then he met Noah.

Noah went into the bathroom, but apologized when he saw Matteo sitting in the bathtub. “I didn’t know it was occupied.” he explained.

Matteo took a proper look at the boy standing in front of him. He was good-looking, really good-looking - curly blond hair, green eyes, and Matteo was drunk. “You can stay.” He heard himself say. “But only if you share.” Matteo pointed at the joint behind the other boy’s ear. He grinned “I’m Noah.” he said, while sitting next to him.

“Matteo.”

“Nice to meet you, Matteo.”

The boys spent the rest of the night talking and smoking. They were siting really close to each other and their shoulders would occasionally brush.

Then Noah had proposed. “Do you want to shotgun?” Matteo could feel his heartbeat speed up, he was sweating.

“Sure.” 

Noah turned to face him and took a drag before he extinguished the joint. He put his hand, curled into a loose fist, on his lips and leaned towards Matteo.

When Matteo’s mouth was on the other side of his hand, he blew out the smoke and moved back a bit, his eyes never leaving Matteo's. Matteo looked down and exhaled the smoke. Then he looked up again at Noah, who just smiled at him. Matteo reached out and put his hand on the other boy's neck to pull him closer. But he lost his nerve.

“Is this-” Matteo couldn’t even finish his question, because Noah was kissing him.

After that point everything was a blur. He remembers Noah straddling him, he remembers lots of laughter, Noah telling him to be quiet, but it was all hazy. He knew for sure that Noah had left at some point (_Noah stood up and gave him one last kiss before smiling "I have to go." But then he came back and kissed Matteo again, and again._) and that he had fallen asleep, but that’s all. Jonas had woken him up by poking his bare stomach. When he had opened his eyes, Jonas had an annoying smirk on his face.

“I guess you did have fun.” his best friend laughed and helped him get up.

Matteo realised a couple of things when he looked at the mirror. First, he was shirtless, second, there were numerous dark spots on his neck and chest, and third, there was a phone number, written just below his collarbones.

He looked at Jonas and blushed. It had gotten even worse when Abdi and Carlos joined them and started teasing Matteo.

After that Noah and Matteo started dating. After the first month Noah had pushed Matteo to come out, because he had been tired of hiding. Matteo had not been ready, but he didn’t want to be alone. So, he did it. He was lucky all his friends were very accepting of him and Noah. 

In retrospect, their relationship hadn’t been very healthy. Matteo really loved Noah, but he was mostly scared of losing him and being alone. He knew Noah also loved him, but he couldn’t shake off the fear. That’s why he tried his best to be the perfect boyfriend - he always did what Noah wanted, he never disagreed, never complained, he just went with the flow. Noah always tried to make him feel comfortable, to assure him that he wouldn’t leave, that Matteo could have his own opinion. But the fear never left him.

Despite that, he was happy. The two years they spent together had been wonderful. Noah was there when he came out to his mom, when his dad told him he was getting married, when he was considering starting therapy, (he never really went through with it, though). He was part of every important part of Matteo's life. Even thought, the last three months before they broke up had been filled with a lot of arguments, Matteo had thought whey would be fine.

They weren’t, and Noah had left in the beginning of summer.

Matteo’s thoughts were interrupted by Abdi “What an asshole”.

“Yeah.” Jonas agreed. Matteo leaned against the window and took a deep breath. His eyes were closed, but when he opened them again he saw David studying his face. He looked concerned.

“He is not.” he said, quietly. Even after all this time he felt like he should defend Noah. After all, he hadn’t been completely honest with his friends about what had happened between them.

“He is.” objected Carlos. “How can you break up with someone without a reason?”

But there was a reason. And the reason was sitting right in front of Matteo, looking at him with big brown eyes.


	2. it's crazy what you would do for a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe there were people that actually read my thing! so thank you sooooooo much! your comments mean a lot to me <3 i am extremely nervous to post this chapter, i sincerely hope i haven't fucked up. but i feel like it's important to explain first what had happened, so this is why this chapter has more flashbacks (hopefully it's not confusing), but bear with me!! if i continue writing this, the next chapters will be finally more davenzi-centred. anyway, thank you again, and i hope you will like it <3 <3

The day Noah broke up with him, was a bad day, of a bad week, of a bad month. He hadn’t done well in school, his mother had sent him a couple of messages, that just made him more upset, and his father had tried to invite him to have dinner with his new family.

He didn’t remember exactly what had happened. Things were a bit tense after they came back from the cabin, but Matteo didn’t think it was something serious. Obviously, he was wrong. He and Noah were lying on his bed, but then he said something, Noah snapped at him and before he knew it they were yelling at each other.

Noah was crying and Matteo knew he would also start crying soon. „Noah, please-“

“I can‘t do this anymore, I am exhausted. Exhausted of being with you” Matteo couldn’t breathe, every word Noah said felt like a stab. “I’m exhausted of being with someone who is in love with someone else.”

“What? What are you talking about?“ Matteo looked at Noah. He couldn’t believe this was happening. “Is this about David? I’m not in love with him! I’m not in love with anyone.” Matteo took a step back. His back was pressed against the door of his room. He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. “Shit. Anyone, but you, I mean.”

“I don’t know if you are in love, Matteo. But even if you are, I know it’s not with me.” Noah got closer to him. “Please, move, I want to leave.”

Matteo stepped aside. He couldn’t say or do anything to stop his boyfriend from leaving. His eyes were burning. He felt like someone had craved a hole in his chest and had taken out his heart. He felt empty and numb.

The next few days Matteo didn’t leave his room. 

Sometimes he would be lying on his bed, clutching at his chest with tears staining his cheeks and pillows, thinking he was going to die, because he couldn’t believe someone could feel so much pain and survive. Sometimes his chest hurt so much he couldn’t move. Sometimes it got hard to breathe. He couldn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep, the only thing he felt was an ache that spread all over his body.

But Matteo tried to dull the pain he was feeling with weed. While he couldn’t do anything else to distract himself from his thoughts, he could smoke, which made his thinking fuzzy; exactly what he needed. However, in the end it made him feel even worse than before. So he was stuck in a vicious cycle of getting high and sobering up, only to get high once again.

Matteo didn’t even know what day it was. He didn’t know whether it was day or night. For him, time had lost all meaning, it was just one endless painful loop. He tried to think of the happy times with Noah, but all of his memories were clouded by the fear he had of losing him. One would think that if he was so scared of Noah leaving, he would have thought of a back-up plan.

Well, his worst nightmare turned into a reality, and he couldn’t cope. He remembered the last time he felt so low. But back then, he had Noah to distract him from all the dark thoughts, to pull him out of the sadness. Now, he had nothing.

Thoughts about Noah turned to thoughts about his mother, about his father, about every shitty thing he had done which made him sink deeper and deeper into despair. It was like he was going through everything that happened before he met Noah again, but it was twice as painful.

_You exhaust me._

He thought about his parents and wondered if it was his fault that his mother had to be hospitalised, or that his father had left them. He thought about Jonas and David, about Carlos and Abdi and wondered when would they get tired of him.

_“Yeah, I do.”_ Matteo thought. _“You, myself and everyone else.”_

A week after the break up (that Matteo spent isolated in his room) Hans decided there is a need for an intervention. He had called Jonas and David, who told Abdi and Carlos. Carlos wanted Kiki to come along, but she also brought Sam and Amira. Mia was there, too, with Hanna. Linn was also there, offering her silent support. So now, Matteo was on his bed, looking at all of his friends who were in his room. 

“Butterfly.“ Hans sat in front of him. “It’s hard getting over a heartbreak, but being around friends helps.“ He took the joint Matteo had in his mouth and extinguished it. “Weed can only do so much“. Hanna was right next to him with her hand on his shoulders. Amira was on his other side, holding his hand. The other girls were also on his bed, surrounding him. The boys were sitting on the floor, but still close to him.

“What happened, Matteo?“ Hanna asked, gently. But Matteo was overwhelmed. He didn’t think he deserved the support he was getting. All of them would leave him, too. He shouldn’t get too comfortable. It was just a question of time.

“We broke up“. He managed to choke out.

“Just like that?“ Kiki questioned and he nodded. He didn’t want to talk about everything that had been said. It got quiet for a bit after that. Then Kiki spoke again, mostly looking at Sam. “That‘s because he is a Pisces.“

“What?“ David asked, amused. He didn’t believe in things like zodiac signs, fate, and true love.

“It’s a Pisces thing to suddenly realize they want to break up with their partner, when everything seemed fine.“ Kiki explained. David shook his head and chuckled. “Whatever you say, Kiki.“

“But it’s true. For example, an Aquarius-“ his friends started talking about the different zodiac signs. Matteo kept quiet. He was a bit annoyed, but he appreciated the company. His eyes found David, who was leaning on the wall, next to the door. David was already looking at him. When their eyes met he beamed at Matteo. Linn and Mia came into his room with a couple of ice cream pints and spoons, giving them out to everyone. Matteo ended up sharing with Amira and Hanna, while listening to which zodiac sign is the best to go on a vacation with, according to Sam and Kiki.

He was still incredibly miserable, but he stopped feeling like the world was ending.

It was after a month of radio silence that Matteo heard from Noah again. He wanted to meet up. At first, Matteo was reluctant. But he decided he should go.

“Going out?“ Hans stopped him in front of the door of the flat. “Do you want company?“

“Uh, thanks, but I’m meeting up with David“ Matteo didn’t want to tell him he was going to see his ex.  
  
“Have fun!“ Hans didn’t press any further. He was probably happy Matteo was going out on his own accord.

They met up at a café they used to go to a lot. Matteo was late. When he got there he saw Noah sitting in their spot with two drinks, tea for himself and coffee for Matteo. His heart ached, he felt like throwing up.

For a few minutes after he had sat down they just looked at each other. Eventually Noah broke the silence. “I’m sorry.”

Matteo didn’t trust himself to say anything, so he let Noah talk. “I’m sorry about what I said, Matteo. You don’t exhaust me. I didn’t mean it.” He put his hands on the table, and Matteo covered them with his own. Noah looked at him. “I was angry and jealous. Things hadn’t been great between us, and I was struggling with school and just. Everything got a bit too much.” Noah was now holding his hands. There were tear stains on his cheeks. He always cried easily. “But I think it’s better like this.”

Matteo was trying not to panic. This is it? They really are done? When Noah texted him he had started hoping that things could go back to the way they were before. “Is it really because of David? Noah, I love-“

“I know you loved me. I loved you too. So much.“ He let go of Matteo’s hands and leaned back. He took a sip of his drink, his hands were shaking. “But. Even if we hadn’t met David, I think we would have ended up like this anyway.“ Noah was clutching his cup. “I think we outgrew each other. When we got together, both of us were in a bad place.“ Matteo wanted to protest, but he couldn’t make himself speak. There was no point, really. He was right. Noah looked at him again. “I felt so responsible for your happiness and it scared me. Sometimes you got so sad and… I felt like it was my fault. That I am not good for you. Fuck. I felt so lost. I didn’t know how to make you happy. I’m sorry.”  
  
“But you did make me happy.“ Matteo finally managed to speak up. Noah smiled and reached out for one of his hands that were still on the table. “You made me happy, too. But I think we stayed with each other for so long because it was something familiar, not because we were still in love.“

When Noah said that, Matteo felt like something heavy was lifted from his shoulders, like he could breathe more easily. The past few months Matteo had felt guilty, because he knew something had changed. It was a relief to hear that it was the same for Noah.

But still. It was painful. This really was the end.

“You know, Matteo.“ Noah started talking again. “You always look like… You are not completely here, like your mind is somewhere else. It doesn’t matter with who you are, you look distant. But.“ He paused. Matteo looked out of the window. “When we were at the cabin, I saw you.“ At that Matteo turned towards Noah again. 

“When me and David went out during the night?“ he asked. Noah nodded. “We didn’t do anything! We were just looking at the stars. I tried to wake you up, so you could come with is.“ Matteo was scared Noah thought he had cheated. He wanted to explain. “We-“.

He was interrupted by Noah’s laugh. “I know, I know. You would never cheat on me, or anyone.“

“Then why are you bringing this up?“

“Because while you two were standing next to each other… It was the first time I saw you looking like you… like you enjoyed being present. Like you didn’t wish you were somewhere else.“ Noah was tearing up again. “And even though, you went to look at the stars, you just kept looking at him.“

They stayed silent for a while after that. Noah had finished his drink when Matteo spoke again while looking down at the cup in his hands. “I’m sorry.“ But the boy only shook his head.  
  
“We can still be friends if you want.“ Noah said while getting up. That made Matteo look at him.

“I can’t be friends with you.“ Noah smiled. He cupped Matteo’s cheeks with his hands and kissed his forehead. “See you around.“

After he left the café, Matteo called David. 

“Mr. Florenzi? To what do I owe this honor?“

“Can you come over?“ Matteo asked.

“Of course.“ David answered, softly.

Matteo had rested his head on David’s lap. They were talking about Noah. Even after their talk in the café, it still hurt Matteo to think about him, but talking about it with David made the whole thing more tolerable. Everything with David was just easier. 

“Noah has always been a bright person. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sad for a long time. He is just… always smiling. It made my day too.“ When David came over, Matteo had been already on his second joint. “With all the shit going on, it was nice having someone like him around. He makes everything happier.” Matteo always got more talkative when he was smoking.

“Are you gonna say that Noah is the sun?” David teased while runing his hand through Matteo‘s hair.

“Nah.“ Matteo chuckled. “But I know I am a black hole. That’s why he broke up with me.” Matteo rubbed his eyes. “I am tired.” He looked at David. “Are you staying over?”

For a while David didn’t say anything. He just looked at Matteo sadly. Matteo couldn’t bear to see David sad, so he closed his eyes. Finally, his friend spoke up “I have to help Laura with something, so no. I will be leaving in a bit.” Matteo nodded.

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he woke up there was a drawing on his pillow. He sat up and took the drawing to have a closer look. There were various planets and stars. All of the planets had a face – some were smiling, others were frowning. It was very cute. At the centre of the small piece of paper there was an asteroid, on top of which a small vampire was drawn.

On the back of the drawing David had written: _“You are not a black hole. You are the __entire universe.”_

Matteo lied down again and put the drawing on his chest, imagining it was covering the hole he felt he had instead of a heart.

The boys left the pizzeria after they had made sure Noah was nowhere to be seen. They went to the park and drank, while attempting to play football. Eventually, it got too dark and they decided to go home. Jonas was going to walk Matteo to his flat and they bid the rest of the group goodbye.

“Jonas, it’s all good. Really.“ Matteo sighed. He was feeling guilty for making his friends worry so much. “Just. We are starting school soon and it made me anxious, that I will be seeing him. That’s why I wasn’t around much. I just wanted to be away.“ Jonas didn’t look convinced, but he decided to let it go, for now, at least. 

“Okay. But we are going to make most of the last weeks of summer. There is a party tomorrow at Sam’s,“ Matteo was about to object, but Jonas didn’t give him the chance.“No, you have to come.“ Matteo really didn’t want to. “Please, Luigi. You can’t isolate yourself like this.“ His friend pouted.

“Fine. But I won’t have fun.“ Jonas whooped and hugged him, almost picking him up. “We are going to find you a rebound! See you tomorrow!“ Matteo was about to protest, but he was already gone.

It was 3:23 AM. Matteo couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Noah. And he was out of weed. He didn’t want to stay in his room, though, because it was suffocating. So, he texted the only person he knew would be awake at this hour. 

Matteo and David met up at an abandoned building that over the course of a couple of months had become their own little space. They would always come here when they got sick of a party and just hung out until sunrise. Noah would also come with them sometimes, but he was the type of person that liked parties, so it wasn’t often.

They found themselves in the empty pool, sitting in the deep end, like always. The only source of light was David’s flashlight, but it was bright enough for them to see each other. They were sitting close anyway. 

“So“, David started. Matteo turned to face him. “Are you okay?“, he asked. Matteo shrugged.

“I guess.“ Seeing Noah after all this time was still painful, but he didn’t feel like throwing up anymore. It felt like closure.

“Do you still miss him?“

“I don’t know.“ David looked at him. He was waiting patiently for Matteo to explain. “I don’t know if I miss him, or if I miss not being alone.“

“Matteo, you are not alone.“ David took his hand and squeezed it gently.

Suddenly, Matteo realized something. “I bet this confirms your theory.“ David raised an eyebrow at him, Matteo continued “That relationships are just a waste of time“.

“Well,“ David was trying to choose his words carefully. “Not exactly a waste of time, but.. Not really necessary, I guess.“ Then, he added. “I mean, why do you even have to be in a relationship?“

“To be close to someone. You know… a strong emotional bond?“ Matteo answered.

“You have friends for that.“ David remarked.

“Yeah, but it’s not the same.“

“I think it is.“

Matteo thought for a bit. “Well.“ he blushed, because apparently he was still a fifteen year old boy. “What about the… um. Physical side of the relationship?“

“This is what you miss the most, isn’t it?“ David laughed and Matteo’s face got redder. „Again, it is something you can do with a friend. As long as both of you consent.“ David winked.

“Like a friends with benefits thing?“ David nodded. “Does that even work?“  
  
“Why wouldn’t it?“ he shrugged. “I think it’s even better. If you have established your boundaries it can be amazing.“ Matteo knew David had this kind of a mind-set.

_(“David,“__ Noah called. He was sitting on the sofa of Jonas’ apartment with Matteo on his lap. Carlos and Kiki were on the other side of the sofa, Sam and Abdi had disappeared, and Hanna and Jonas were in the kitchen. David was texting someone on his phone, while sitting alone on the floor, in front of the TV. He looked up when he heard his name. _

_“_ _We need to find you a boyfriend.“_ _ Noah continued. “_ _The heterosexuals are winning.“_ _ At that David laughed. _

_“_ _Sorry, but I don’t do relationships.“_ _ he had said.)_

Matteo wanted to change the subject. “Jonas thinks I need a rebound.“

“I know, he told me. But I don’t think that will help you.“ David got up and stretched his back. “You miss being close to someone, right? A one-night stand won’t work. I think…“ It was rare to see David hesitant. He was confident. He always said what was on his mind. “You need something more.. erm.. committed. “

“I’m not ready for a new relationship,“ Matteo frowned. He thought David would be the last person to suggest trying to date again. He also got up, so he could look David in the eyes.

“What?“ David was confused. “No, not that committed. I’m not proposing a new relationship.“ He cleared his throat. “What I mean is..“ Matteo’s eyes widened when he realised what David was trying to say. He stepped back, so he could lean on the wall behind him.

“You want me to find a fuck-buddy?“ He couldn’t believe the turn this conversation had taken. “Isn’t that your thing?“

“Don’t judge, without trying!“ David laughed. Matteo could feel his face heating up. It got quiet between them.

He reached out to David, catching his hands and pulling him closer.

Matteo licked his lips. “Are you offering?“ He intertwined their fingers. 

David stepped closer and tilted his head. He was looking at Matteo’s eyes, but then he glanced at his lips. He spoke again.

“Are you gonna accept?“


	3. we're too damn sober for mistakes like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your comments literally sustain me. thank you for being so nice to me!! (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ ) here is the next part! it would be an understatement to say that I Am Nervous.
> 
> look. i tried my best, really. I hope you like it !!! thank you so much again for reading <3 <3 
> 
> chapter title is from mistakes like this by prelow

David made another small step towards the blond boy. Their bodies were pressed close. Matteo glanced down to David’s lips and then he looked up to his eyes.

Matteo could feel his heartbeat in his throat. His ears were ringing, his mind was just static. He leaned in closer until his nose touched David’s.

David closed his eyes. Matteo did the same.

Suddenly, David’s phone started ringing. They jumped apart, startled. Because of the acoustics in the empty swimming pool, it was impossibly loud.

“What the-” Matteo thought he was about to have a heart attack.

“Sorry. It’s my alarm” David offered a sheepish smile as an apology.

“Your alarm? What time is it?” David turned his phone towards Matteo, on the lock screen the clock was showing 6:00 AM.

“Why?” Matteo couldn’t comprehend why someone would want to wake up so early. During the summer, on top of that.

David grinned. “Morning run.”

Matteo rubbed his face with his hands. “I can’t believe you.”

They looked at each other and they started laughing. The tension between them had disappeared. When they calmed down, David looked down at their hands. They were still intertwined.

“I…”, Matteo started, but he didn’t know what to say.

“Matteo, it’s okay.” David brought his right hand next to his lips and kissed Matteo’s fingers. “It was just a suggestion. It’s up to you. No matter what you say, we’ll still be friends. We can just forget this ever happened.” David tried to assure him.

But Matteo was just confused. He and Noah were very physically affectionate. He had gotten used to sleeping next to someone, to having someone distracting him from all his worries by kissing him, to always have someone to lean on, literally. Matteo really missed being close to someone in this way. It was hard for him to feel connected to others. He never felt like he was enough. Even with Jonas, his best friend, he felt like he was just a stand-in for someone better. So, physical intimacy made him feel less lonely.

He could see David’s point. It was definitely better to have something more stable than just random hook ups. He couldn’t afford to get emotionally attached, not yet at least. But, he would feel like an asshole to use someone like this.

Besides, he was in a relationship for two years. He had no idea how to talk to new people. Before they had started dating, Noah had always been the more straightforward one. He was the one that made all the first steps. How would he even describe what he wanted to someone? _“__Hey, I don’t want to feel sad and alone, please, sleep with me?“_ That was just pathetic, even though it was the truth.

Yet, he wasn’t sure how much of his friends’ attempts of setting him up he could take.

However, one of the main problems he had with this whole… thing was that he would be proving Noah right, that there was something between him and David. They fought a lot the weeks before the break up, and it was always the same argument - how close Matteo and David were. Noah was never jealous of anyone. Anyone, but David. Noah even knew that Matteo had a small crush on Jonas, but he was never bothered by it. But, he couldn’t stand it when David and Matteo hugged or were just sitting close to each other. 

Matteo was torn. David had offered him an escape and yet, he couldn’t make up his mind.

“I don’t know”, Matteo finally spoke up.

“It’s okay.” David smiled and squeezed his hands. A moment later he started pulling him. “We have to go, thought.”

Matteo met David because of Jonas. But before they were officially introduced, Matteo had heard different stories about him. Jonas and David had Maths together, and often Jonas would tell them about the funny thing David had said during class. David was also friends with Amira’s brothers, so both of them knew each other prior to his transfer to their school. And since he would often come over at Amira’s, the rest of the girl squad had gotten to know him, too. The girls talked about him often. Apparently, he was very funny, very nice, and extremely good-looking. _(__“__You don’t understand“__, Sam had said “__He is so hot, it’s unbelievable“__. Matteo looked at Abdi who was looking like a sad, kicked puppy next to her.) _

However, Matteo never really paid attention to him. Noah was right, he was too much in his head.

One day he was sitting with Noah, Jonas, Hannah and Abdi in an empty classroom. School had ended, but they made no move to leave, as they were too comfortable and idly chatting. Matteo's head was resting on the desk, with Noah leaning on him, while listening to Abdi complaining about being single.

“I don’t know what to do!“, he groaned. “I tried everything!“

“It’s all gonna work out, bro, you just have to be patient.“ Jonas said while writing in his notebook.

Abdi was about to start talking again, but Noah interrupted him. “Dude, what are you doing?“

“He skipped Maths, and now he has to copy notes, so he won’t fail their next test.“ Hannah answered for him, without looking up from her phone.

“I don’t even understand what I’m writing“, Jonas sighed. “Matteo, this is all your fault.“

“You were the one that suggested skipping“, Matteo mumbled.

“No, you are right, Jonas. Matteo is bad influence“, Noah chuckled and pinched Matteo’s cheek. Matteo tried to slap his hand away, which turned into them wrestling each other. Abdi and Hanna were yelling their support for Noah, when someone approached them.

“Hey, do you still need that?“, they all turned to see who was talking to them.

“Oh my god.“ Matteo heard Noah whisper. He would have rolled his eyes, but… _oh my god_, indeed. 

Before them, there was a tall boy with olive skin and brown curly hair. He had big brown eyes, and his eyelashes were ridiculously long. His pink lips were pulled in a small, shy smile. He was dressed in all black, which, rather than making him look like a sad edgy teen, made him more mysterious. He was really attractive. The walking definition of talk, dark, and handsome. 

“David! Yeah, I‘m done.“ Jonas closed one of the notebooks and handed it to him. “Thanks, man, you saved my life.“

“No problem“, He smiled. He was obviously uncomfortable with so many people staring at him, while he was putting the notebook in his bag. “Uhm, well. See you around“, He smiled again, this time at all of them, and left.

“Bye!“ Jonas yelled after him. When he was out of the room, Noah yelled,“That’s David?“.

“You know him?“ Matteo asked. He knew his face was a bit red; he always got nervous around good-looking people.

“I know _of_ him.“ Noah leaned back and put his hands on his chest. “Now, I understand Markus.“

“Dude, I’ve been telling you about David since the beginning of the year.“ Jonas complained, “Wait, what about Markus?“

“Markus told me he had hooked up with a guy named David at the party last week.“ Noah explained. Matteo could recall a panicked, late-night call from Markus while he and Noah had been lying on his bed, talking about nothing important. They didn’t stay long on the phone, though. Noah had just told him to go home and “_calm down_, _we’ll talk about it tomorrow__“_. When he hung up, Matteo questioned him, but he had just answered _“__First gay panic“_, and left it at that.

“I thought Markus was straight.“ Abdi noted.

“So did he“, responded Noah. After a few minutes he added, “but then, he met David. He couldn’t even tell me what had happened, because he was blushing and stuttering so much“, Noah was looking at the spot the boy in question was standing just a few minutes ago.

After that, it was like David was everywhere. It turned out that his locker was close to Matteo’s. Matteo would notice him on the bus, in the supermarket next to their school, in the hallways. But, he was always surrounded by people. David had started appearing even on his Instagram feed. _(__“__Oh, so he is friends with Leonie and Sara?“__ Noah had remarked when Matteo showed him the picture Sara had posted. “__Does he have an Instagram? I want to follow him“__, and before he could protest Noah had taken his phone.)_

Gradually, though, David had started hanging out with their small group more often. At first, Abdi was against it.

_“_ _You can’t do this to me! How am I supposed to compete with him?“_ _ Abdi had complained. “_ _Sam won’t even look at me if he is in the room.“_

_“__There, there“__ tried to console him Noah, by patting his head, that was rested on the desk._ _“__If it makes you feel better,“__ Noah added “__Nobody really has a chance if David is in the room.“_

But Abdi had warmed up to him, only after David had assured him he had no intention of stealing Sam.

David became an irreplaceable part of their small group. Jonas finally had someone who would listen and even contribute to his long rants about the different social issues. Carlos and he worked out together. He bonded with Noah over their love for shitty reality TV. _(__“__Shut up, Matteo. It’s two against one, we are watching Love Island. Ignore him, David“__.)_ He even helped Abdi score a date with Sam. _(__“__You have to be direct“__, David was behind him and had his hands on Abdi’s shoulders. “__Don’t worry about it. She thinks you are sweet“__. Then he pushed him towards the other side of the room, where the girls were talking.)_

It was only Matteo that was still a bit wary of him. It’s not like David was a bad person. Quite the opposite, actually. But, Matteo was intimidated by how confident and open he was. David had two small pins on his backpack – one with the pansexual flag, and another one with the transgender flag.

“Hey, can you find me one with the bisexual flag?“, had asked Noah when he saw the small pins. “Sure,“ answered David with a smile.

In the end, it wasn’t unusual to see the six of them together in the park playing ping pong, or making a ruckus in the cafeteria. 

_“_ _Real talk, though.“_ _ had started Carlos. The other boys looked at him. “_ _Matteo, Noah. If you could have a threesome with one of us“_ _, he gestured to himself, Jonas, Abdi and David. “_ _Who would you choose?“_

_“_ _David.“ _ _they answered at the same time, with no hesitation. David looked up from his phone surprised, and blushed._

_“_ _He doesn’t count!“_ _ protested Abdi. _

The first time Matteo and David hung out alone, was after a party. Or, more precisely, during a party none of them wanted to go to. 

Fifteen minutes had passed when Matteo decided he wanted to leave. He told the boys he wasn’t feeling well, kissed his boyfriend goodbye and almost ran out of the apartment, before anyone could stop him. When he got to the bus stop he saw something unusual. David, alone, with his headphones on, texting someone.

“Leaving alone this time?“ he teased instead of greeting him normally. When David looked up and saw Matteo, he smiled. “Not exactly. I’m meeting someone later“, David put his phone in his pocket after sending one last message, together with his headphones.

They stayed in silence, just looking at each other. It was a bit awkward. “Didn’t feel like partying?“, asked David, and Matteo shrugged, “What about you?“.

David sighed, “Not really. My, uh, _friend_“, Matteo smirked at David’s hesitation,“told me he wanted to meet up earlier, but he texted me now that something came up in his work, so he will be a bit late. And.. I don’t know if I should go home or go back to the party. But I don’t feel like doing either“.

Matteo shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He looked down. “I can keep you company if you want.“ Matteo figured he should stop feeling intimidated by David, and try to get to know him. At least, that was what Noah had said.

“Really?“ When he looked up, he saw David’s surprised face. He felt a bit bad. He took out his hands from his pockets. He was holding a joint. “Want to smoke?“

They were at the near park, where David was meeting up with his _friend_ later. Matteo felt guilty for not giving him a chance sooner. David was really easy to talk to. They had walked around for an hour, just talking and smoking. They found a bench in a secluded part of the park and sat down. Matteo pointed out that David had an eyelash on his cheek. David had just wiped his face with his hands, and asked if it was gone.

“You didn’t make a wish.“ Matteo pouted.

“It was just an eyelash“, replied David, but then he asked. “What would have been your wish, though? If it was your eyelash.“

Matteo thought for a bit, “I don’t know,“ he sighed, “to get away, probably.“

“A romantic getaway with Noah, I suppose?“, teased him David.

“No, alone.“

Before David could respond, his phone rang. He read the message, “He’s here“, David got up,“I have to go“. Matteo stood next to him. “Thanks for keeping me company.“

“Have fun on your date.“ said Matteo.

David rolled his eyes, “It’s not a date“. Then he said his goodbye and walked away. Matteo sat down again. He could see David walking towards an older man with blond hair. When he got to him, the man leaned down a bit and kissed him. Matteo looked away.

Matteo didn’t stop complaining, but Jonas was relentless. “What if Noah is there?“, he asked for the hundredth time.

“He won’t be“, Jonas was literally dragging him up the stairs to Sam’s apartment. “It will be fine, don’t worry“.

When they finally got in, Jonas pointed at one of the corners of the room, “Look, David is already here. Go talk to him, I’m going to find Hannah“, Jonas pushed Matteo towards David, who was talking to Leonie. Matteo was annoyed. Jonas always begged him to go to a party, but he always left him alone in the first five minutes.

Matteo didn’t want to talk to David, after what had happened in the morning. He went to the kitchen, where he saw some of his classmates doing shots. He walked towards them, took one of the bottles of vodka, and tried to find a nice, secluded corner, where he could get wasted in peace.

An hour had passed and Matteo was lying on the couch, clutching the now almost empty bottle. Max, a nice girl from his biology class, was talking to him, telling him how _sorry_ she was that he and Noah had broken up. Matteo didn’t even have the energy to tell her to shut up. But, he really didn’t want to think about Noah right now.

Matteo knew he was drunk, but he knew that David was, too. From his place on the couch, he could see him. David was now sitting on the floor near the kitchen with Markus, who was a friend of Noah’s. When David was drunk he smiled more freely. He also laughed a lot. Matteo liked seeing him so relaxed.

What Matteo didn’t like was how Markus kept touching David, who didn’t seem to mind.

Fuck. He really was drunk. Drunk and ready to do something stupid.

Matteo thought again about David’s suggestion from earlier. Why did he care what Noah thought? It’s not like he and David were getting together. Besides, he could do whatever he wanted.

Markus was leaning towards David, whispering something in his ear. David tilted his head and said something back. Markus' eyes widened and he blushed.

And, it’s not, like, he was using David. It was his idea in the first place. 

Markus put his hand on David’s thigh.

Matteo just didn’t want be lonely anymore. The past few months had been shitty enough.

Both of them had gotten up. Markus was holding David’s wrist with one hand and pointing at another door with his other one.

Matteo was sick of always waiting for things to happen to him. He finished the rest of the vodka and handed the empty bottle to Max, as he stood up. She let out a confused “Matteo?“, but he was already walking towards David and Markus.

He stopped right in front of them, his eyes never leaving David’s face. Even though he was drunk, he knew he was just lying to himself, but he didn't really care. Suddenly, the confidence he had, disappeared. _What am I doing?_

“Matteo! I didn’t know you were here“, David shouted over the music. Matteo’s heart was racing. _This is a bad idea, _one small, rational part of him thought_. _Matteo cupped David’s face in his hands. “Matteo?“, he questioned as he tilted his head.

_This is a bad idea_.

Matteo leaned forward and kissed him. But it was more like a press of lips, rather than a real kiss. It was over before it had even begun. Matteo stepped back and ran his hands through his hair. _I fucked up._ He was about to apologise, but then David pulled his hand out of Markus' grip and wrapped his arms around Matteo’s neck, bringing him closer. David kissed him again, softly this time. After a few moments Matteo broke the kiss, but stayed closed to David. 

“I made up my mind.“ Matteo said against his lips. David grinned. He leaned in to kiss him again. Matteo dragged his hands down David’s sides, slipping them under his T-shirt, settling on his waist.

_This is a bad idea._

He pushed David against the wall, kissing him harder.

David’s tongue swiped across Matteo’s lips, as if he was asking for permission. Matteo parted his lips, and their tongues touched. Matteo felt lightheaded. His ears were ringing again. He couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t want to let go of David.

However, David did break the kiss, but only to move onto Matteo’s neck, kissing down, towards his collarbones, sucking and biting the sensitive skin there.

“This is a bad idea.“ Matteo gasped as David bit down hard on the spot where his neck and shoulder met.

They pulled apart. David’s hands moved to Matteo’s face. He was grinning.

“The worst“, he said and kissed him again. 


	4. can I sleep in your bed? and when I crawl out in the morning, can I stay inside your head?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you sooooooooooooooooo much! your comments are literally making my day! here is the new chapter!
> 
> a fwb au without smut? in my fandom? more likely than you think!
> 
> okay, you see, i tried, but it was terrible, so i decided to spare you. i just can't do it (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )
> 
> i'm really worried i fucked up with some of the scenes in this chapter, please tell me if it's too bad, i'll edit them out :(( 
> 
> hope you still like it, tho! thanks again for reading and commenting! 
> 
> chapter title is from father by the front bottoms

Matteo was woken up by a terrible headache. He opened his eyes after trying and failing to suffocate himself with a pillow he found next to him. He sat up and looked around. 

This wasn’t his room.

And, Matteo wasn’t wearing any clothes.

He tried to remember what had happened last night, before he started panicking. There was a party at Sam’s. He knew Jonas had dragged him there. He thought he saw Abdi, David was there, too.

David.

Oh.

Matteo started blushing as yesterday’s events came back to him.

He recalls kissing David, and David kissing him back just as enthusiastically.

Then what?

_David had pushed him in a random room and then pressed him against the door._

Matteo covered his face with his hands. Fuck.

_Matteo had pushed David, walking him back towards a bed in the middle of the room. Once David had sat down, Matteo straddled him and started kissed him again, trying to explore every inch of David’s mouth with his tongue._

_He was trying to get David’s shirt off, but David kept pushing his hands away._

_They broke apart. David rested his forehead against Matteo’s. Both of them were breathing heavily._

_“Not here”, David whispered. Then he was kissing the sensitive spot behind Matteo’s ear, while his hands were moving under his shirt._

_“Matteo”, he mumbled, “come home with me.”_

The rest of it came to Matteo in flashes.

He remembers David not being able to unlock the door to his apartment, because Matteo kept kissing him and pushing him against it.

_“Shhh, my neighbors are sleeping.” he had whispered against the skin of Matteo’s neck._

He remembers trying to undress David before they had even gotten to his room. David had thrown Matteo’s shirt on the couch in the living room. David’s shoes and T-shirt were discarded right in front of his bedroom door.

_“Impatient, aren’t we?” had teased him David. But, Matteo couldn’t even answer. His mind, his senses, his entire being was filled with David. The rest of their clothing – pants, boxers, David’s binder, had gone to the floor_.

And then? 

He remembers getting on top of David and how it felt when he had dug his nails in Matteo’s back.

He remembers moaning embarrassingly loud and pressing his face in David’s thigh when he had pulled his hair.

He remembers David kissing down his stomach and then seeing stars.

He couldn’t recall everything that had happened, but obviously he remembered the most important parts. _David on top of him, with his fingers in-_ Matteo groaned. He was so embarrassed. He knew his face had gone red, and was thankful that no one could see him.

He thought about the chances of this whole thing being a dream. Perhaps, he was still sleeping in his flat and Hans would come into his room to wake him up.

Something besides the bed caught Matteo’s attention. On the bedside table there was a tall glass of water with two tablets next to it. There was also a small note. 

Matteo took the meds and drank the water. Then, he took the small note.

On it, there was a small vampire in an apron and a speech bubble next to it that said _good morning_. Under the drawing, David had written: “_went to the gym. will be back before 12 pm. there are fried eggs and coffee in the kitchen if u r hungry._

_ps laura’s not at home dw_”

Matteo looked at the clock that was hung on the wall opposite him. It was 11:35 AM. He got up. He quickly found his boxers, but couldn’t find neither his shirt, nor his jeans. He picked up a random T-shirt from the floor and went out of the room. _This is fine._ Matteo thought. He saw his jacket thrown on the counter of David’s small kitchen. He put the note that David had left him in one of the pockets of his jacket. Then he went to the bathroom to wash his face. _Everything is fine._

He couldn’t believe what was happening. He was still waiting to wake up, to realise this was one of the many dreams he had about David.

Had he really done it? Did he really have sex with one of his best friends?

He caught a look of himself in the mirror. There were numerous dark bruises on his neck. He pulled down a bit the collar of the T-shirt, and he could see there were some on his chest, too. Matteo blushed. This really wasn’t a dream.

He heard the front door opening, so he went into the hallway. He saw David getting in. He was wearing black shorts and a grey hoodie, his gym bag had been dropped on the floor. Matteo could feel his pulse pick up. He could see a dark bruise peeking out of David’s shorts and felt himself blushing again.

Finally, he looked at David’s face. David had been studying him, but when their eyes met, he smiled.

“Na.”

“Na.”, Matteo answered. What did they do now? What was the etiquette for the morning after you had slept with your best friend?

“Have you eaten?” David had asked.

Well, they could talk about all this later.

David put a plate full of pancakes and some fried eggs in front of Matteo. They looked good. He was impressed. 

David was notorious for being the worst cook mankind had ever seen. Matteo remembered a panicked call at 1:00 AM from David, who was yelling that he _fucked up the pasta_. And that now his oven was on fire.

_“What do I do?” David had asked on the phone._

_“How do you even fuck up pasta?” mumbled Noah next to him on the bed._

But, he guessed breakfast food wasn’t a challenged for his friend.

David sat opposite of him. God, this was awkward.

“So.” David started.

“So.” Matteo added helpfully.

“About last night.” David watched as Matteo shoved a pancake in his mouth, without looking at him. “Do you regret it?”

That made Matteo stop eating. He looked up.

It was just David. Despite the initial awkwardness, that was still his best friend. Nothing had changed. “No.”

David let out a relieved sigh, “Good. I was worried, since we were pretty drunk last night.”

They were, but that didn’t change anything, for Matteo, at least.

“You said you made up your mind?” David pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands. He was nervous.

“Yeah, I did.” Matteo wasn’t trying to be difficult on purpose. Everything was much easier when he was drunk. 

“Are you sure?” David wasn’t looking at him.

Matteo tried to think objectively about the whole situation. He didn’t want to feel alone. He wanted to be close to someone. That someone could be anyone, really. However, David was available. David, one of his best friends. David who knew everything about him. David who made him feel safe and comfortable. David who just understood him. It didn’t hurt that David was also one of the most attractive people Matteo had met. Realistically, it wouldn’t get better than this. Matteo had to choose between being lonely, or hooking up with a very hot guy, on a regular basis. It was obvious what the right choice was. “Yes.”

David’s face broke into a smile, “Okay, cool”, he laughed. For a couple of minutes neither of them said anything.

“So, uh”, Matteo broke the silence, “How is this going to work?”. David got up to pour himself a cup of coffee.

“Well, I guess, it would be easier not to tell anyone.” He leaned back on the counter, facing Matteo. “If someone saw us yesterday, we’ll just say it was a one-time thing”. He took a sip. “And that we were really drunk”. Suddenly, Matteo remembered that Markus had seen them, which meant that Noah knew. Or, if he didn’t, he would sooner or later.

Matteo took his empty plate and went to the sink, which was behind David. He tried not to think about Noah. “Is that all?”, he asked David, while washing the plate.

“I can’t think of anything else.”

“I thought you were the expert in this.” David laughed.

“I don’t like what you are implying.”

“I’m not implying anything.” Matteo put the plate away. David turned around so he could face Matteo.

“Usually, this thing isn’t, uhm, exclusive.” David was blushing.

_Oh._

Right.

“Okay.” Matteo said. Suddenly, he thought of Noah and how against polygamy he was.

_“__If I love someone, I can’t just share him.” he would argue with Abdi. _

_“Yeah, but-.” _

_“There is no “but”!”_

Matteo smiled as he recalled what happened almost a year ago. When they had just gotten used to David being part of their group.

_He and Noah were making out in the library, behind the shelves, hidden from the rest of the students. They were interrupted by David._

_“Sorry, sorry,” he said, while walking past them, his hand covering his eyes. Matteo and Noah pulled apart. “I just need-.” he stopped a few meters away from them and looked up, “There it is.” The book he was looking for was on the top shelf. But instead of getting a ladder, or a chair, like most people would do, David jumped and caught a hold of the shelf with his right hand, pulling himself up and taking the book he needed with his left hand. He jumped back down. _

_“Oh my god.” Noah said. David looked at them, smiling sheepishly. “How are you even real?” he had joked. David flipped them off and left. _

_Matteo was just about to continue what they were doing, but Noah started talking, still looking at the spot David was a few minutes ago, “You know.. Maybe polygamy isn’t so bad.” and he had laughed when Matteo slapped his shoulder._

“Okay.” Matteo repeated.

“Okay.” David was next to him, putting his mug in the sink. It had become quiet between them. It was a bit awkward. They were leaning on the sink, facing the door. Their shoulders were pressed against each other.

“So, do you make breakfast for all your hook ups or am I just special?” Matteo tried to joke after a few moments had passed. David turned to look at him. Their noses were almost touching. 

“You are very special”, he said and glanced down to Matteo’s lips. Matteo took a deep breath.

The front door opened.

“David, are you here?”, Laura yelled. They jumped apart.

“Shit.” cursed Matteo.

“I’ll distract her. Go to my room”, David whispered. “Laura!” he yelled and went out of the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” Matteo heard Laura asking.

“Can’t I be happy to see my own sister?” Matteo peeked into the hallway. David was hugging Laura, but he had made it so that her back was against the hallway. Quietly, Matteo made a beeline for David’s room, which was almost next to them.

“I missed you!” David had said, unnecessarily loud, still hugging his sister.

“What is wrong with you? Let go!”

After that day, Matteo and David were constantly together. It wasn’t that different from before, honestly. They had always hung out a lot. Most of the time, Noah was with them, or they were together with the rest of the boys. If they weren’t together, they would be texting each other.

_(Noah and Matteo were sitting on the couch of Noah’s living room. Noah was watching Love Island, while Matteo was on his phone. He laughed at something David had texted him. He was in the middle of writing his reply, when Noah sat on his lap, his knees on each side of Matteo’s thighs, taking the phone out of his hands,“Stop texting him”.)_

But, now things were different. They would hang out with the boys, but when it was time to go, David or Matteo would say something like _“I'm too lazy to get up, I’m staying over.” _And five minutes after the boys have left, Matteo would be shirtless straddling David, with his lips on his neck, trying to undo his belt. 

Matteo never understood David’s enthusiasm about working out and going to the gym, but he started appreciating it more when he realised David could easily lift him. The first time he did it, they were at Matteo’s flat. His roommates were gone and he wanted to make the most of it. They were making out in the hallway, their jackets on the floor. _“Matteo”, David said in between their kisses, “your room”._

_“Okay”, had responded Matteo, but didn’t move. David was getting impatient. He pushed Matteo against the front door, his hands were on his hips. Matteo wrapped his legs around David’s waist. David had let go of his hips to put his hands under his thighs, picking him up and carrying him to his room._ It was a religious experience, in Matteo’s humble opinion. He didn’t know he was even into that.

After starting this whole arrangement, Matteo found out quite a lot about himself. At first, he was a bit unsure what to do. But, David had shown him what he liked, what to do to make him feel good, and Matteo was a fast learner.

Only once did Matteo think that this couldn’t end well. He looked down at David between his legs. He was about to say something, but then David did _that thing_ with his tongue, and any coherent thoughts he had before, had disappeared from Matteo’s head.

So, this is how Matteo spent the last weeks of summer: sneaking around with David and meeting up with the boys. It was good. He hadn’t thought about Noah as much, and he didn’t feel the need to get high so often.

It was in moments like these, that Matteo thought he was fine. Sure, he got so sad he couldn’t even get out of bed, and yeah, he sometimes he couldn’t breathe because of the overwhelming fear and thoughts of how _everyone will leave him, that they hate him, that-_

But he was okay now, so it probably wasn’t that serious.

Laura was out of town for two days, so, naturally, Matteo found himself on David’s bed. 

David was on lying on top of him, both of them breathing heavily. They should have gotten up to clean themselves, but neither wanted to move. Now, they were sticky and gross.

“I think you will have to buy a new concealer”, David said as he inspected Matteo’s neck.

“I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t keep doing this.” Matteo complained. David laughed at him.

“Shut up, you like it.” He did. He really, really did.

“You have a thing for hickeys, right?” Matteo asked.

“I don’t know?”, Matteo was surprised at David’s answer. “I don’t give hickeys usually. Just to you.”

Right. Matteo felt as if he had been splashed with cold water. David did this with other people, too. They weren’t exclusive. That was the deal. He wondered if David had been with someone else these past weeks.

“Isn’t it awkward, tho? When you have hickeys?” he asked.

“Matteo, what the fuck? What do you take me for?”, David was laughing, “I won’t meet up with someone if I still have bruises. I wait until they fade out.”

“You don’t bruise easily.” Matteo noted after a couple minutes of silence.

“Nope.” David was about to get up, but Matteo caught his wrist and pulled him down. He flipped them, so he was on top, and started kissing and biting at David’s neck.

They were waiting for Jonas in front of the cinema. A couple of days ago Carlos and Jonas, had decided they haven’t been to the movies soon, so they should do that before school started. 

Carlos and Abdi were the first to arrive. Well, David and Matteo were supposed to be first, but they got distracted. When they finally got there, Carlos was telling a story about Kiki, when Abdi’s attention was drawn to David’s neck.

“Damn, David,” Abdi exclaimed.

“What?” he questioned. Carlos poked at the enormous dark, almost black, bruise on the back of David’s neck, “Did someone try to bite off your neck?” 

David’s cheeks reddened. He put his hand on his neck to hide the bruise. Matteo was really proud of his handiwork.

“Probably had a wild night,” commented nonchalantly Matteo. David glared at him and while the boys were distracted, he mouthed _I am going to kill you _at a smirking Matteo.

“Boys!” Jonas greeted, when he arrived, “What are we looking at?”

“Look at David’s neck!”

“You guys go ahead.” David said once they had bought the tickets. “Matteo and I are going to buy popcorn.” The boys walked away and David turned to Matteo. He grabbed his wrist and started pulling him towards the bathrooms. They were empty. It was a bit unnerving how quiet and clean it was. But Matteo paid no attention to that, as he was walking backwards towards the sinks, while David kissed him. His back hit the counter. But David kept pushing until Matteo sat on it.

David pulled back a bit and said, “You are a menace”, and then kissed him again. Matteo wanted to put his hands in David’s hair, but David didn’t let him. He kept kissing him, while holding his wrists with one hand, while the other was under Matteo’s shirt.

Matteo wrapped his legs around David’s waist to bring him closer.

David licked into his mouth and Matteo whimpered. He was frustrated, because he really wanted to touch David. He tried to free his hands, but David tightened his grip.

Matteo felt lightheaded. The fact that someone could walk in and see them, the pressure on his wrists, David’s hand on his skin, David between his legs - it was too much.

After a few minutes David let go of him and stepped back. They were breathing heavily, but David quickly regained his composure.

“The film is going to start soon.” he said, while walking to the door. “We should get going.”

“What,” Matteo was confused. The last thing on his mind was the stupid film.

David stopped at the door and turned to face Matteo. He gave him an once-over and said, “I’ll go buy popcorn, while you calm down.” And with that he left. Matteo looked down at his lap and groaned. Payback was a bitch.

It was their last weekend before school started, so, naturally, there was a party. The host was a friend of Jonas and Carlos, a girl from their history class. 

That week Matteo and David hadn’t seen each other much. David had to visit his godmother, then he had to help Laura with something. David barely responded to his texts and Matteo missed him, but he didn’t want to seem too clingy. And he knew he was pushing it with all the texts.

He stopped trying to meet up with David, when saw what he had written in the group chat the previous day. _Sorry, I am meeting up with a friend. _Of course. Right. They had been practically living in each other’s pockets the past few weeks, he couldn’t expect David to be always around him. They weren’t together. They were just friends.

Still, he missed him. So, the only reason he was willingly going to the party was because Jonas had told him David will be there.

But, Matteo was actually having fun. When he came to the address Jonas had given him, a small one story house, Hannah was the first one to see him. She pulled him to do shots with her and the rest of the girl squad. After that, a bit tipsy, he had found Abdi, Carlos and Jonas playing beer pong. David had been late, but he came to greet them and disappeared again. Matteo paid no mind. It was a good night. He could catch up with David later.

But, a couple of hours had passed, and there was no sign of David. Matteo and the boys were in the kitchen. Matteo was leaning out of the window to smoke, while listening to the boys talking.

“Ey, look at that”, he heard Carlos say, “Emma and David”. He turned around. David and a short girl with purple hair were standing close to each other, talking. Emma kept touching David, whispering things to him. Finally, she said something while pointing at a group of girls, sitting in the living room. David nodded while smiling. He started walking towards the front door of the house. Emma went to her group of friends. They started giggling. Then, she took her jacket from one of them and was making her way to the front door, where David was waiting.

Matteo’s heart sank. He was feeling sick.

He knew he had no right be jealous. This was part of their agreement. They were just friends. He shouldn’t care if David sleeps with other people.

Someone had stopped Emma to tell her something.

This has nothing to do with him. _They were just friends._

David was leaning on the railing of the front porch. His face was neutral. Not a sign from the smiles and laughter from earlier.

Matteo wasn’t thinking. He opened the window fully and got out through it, landing right next to David.

“Matteo?”, he grabbed David’s hand and started pulling him towards the other side of the house. He jumped over the railing, and so did David. He could hear Jonas asking “Where did Luigi go?” while they were walking towards the other side of the house. When Matteo made sure no one was around them, he kissed David, softly.

It was different from their usual kisses. This one had no heat behind it, it wasn’t leading up to anything. Matteo kissed him just because he wanted to. It was almost sweet.

“Don’t go.” he said. Matteo was holding David’s face in his hands, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. Then, he kissed him again, “Don’t go”.

David covered Matteo’s hand with his own and gently pulled them off his face. He looked down at the ground, “Emma is waiting for me”.

“Please”, Matteo felt like he was about to cry, “Don’t go”.

David sighed and pulled Matteo close to him, wrapping his hands around his shoulders. Matteo buried his face in David's neck.

“I won't”.


	5. hell, it hurts, but it's not love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to thank you again for your lovely comments, i really don't deserve them  
thank you so muuuuuuch <3 <3 
> 
> i rewrote this chapter like three times, i still hate it, so just take it, i can't even look at it anymore
> 
> hopefully, i will do better with the next ones!
> 
> still, i hope you found it enjoyable <3
> 
> chapter title is from it's not love by lontalius

Matteo was sitting alone on a bench behind a bus stop. His hands were shoved in the pockets of David’s jacket. His chest hurt. He put a hand over his heart and gripped the fabric of his shirt. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. The last bus was supposed to come after fifteen minutes.

Matteo closed his eyes. _What was I thinking?_

He heard someone getting closer, but he didn’t open his eyes. He felt someone sitting down next to him.

“What did you tell her?” Matteo asked quietly.

“That I had a family emergency”, David answered. They didn’t say anything else until the bus came.

Once they were on the bus, they sat in the back. There was a middle-aged man in suit, standing near one of the exits and an old lady sitting in the front, but otherwise they were alone.

Matteo was leaning on the window, his face turned towards David who was looking at the man in front of them. Under the fluorescent lights David looked good. He always looked good, though. It made Matteo’s chest hurt more.

“Are you mad?” Matteo mumbled. David hadn’t heard him. He straightened up and cleared his throat. That made David look at him. Matteo repeated the question, a bit louder this time, “Are you mad at me?”

David offered him a small smile, “Of course not”. The bus stopped and the man got off.

Matteo bit his lip, “I’m sorry.”

David put his hand on his neck, pulling him closer, resting his forehead on Matteo’s, “You don’t have to be”. David leaned in and kissed him, softly.

They were at Matteo’s stop, both of them got off.

It still hurt.

“What was all that about?” the question caught Matteo off guard.

After they had come back to Matteo’s flat, they had gone straight for his bed. They hadn’t even taken off their clothes, only David had to borrow a T-shirt from Matteo to put on, after he had gotten rid of his binder. When they lied down, Matteo rested his head on David’s shoulder. David wrapped his arms around him and they had fallen asleep.

It was 12:27 PM and both of them were alone in the kitchen. Matteo was making pasta, while David was sitting on the table, typing away on his phone. They hadn’t talked much. Well, until now.

“What?” Matteo was stalling. He didn’t know how to tell David that the thought of him going home with someone else made him sick. This wasn’t part of their arrangement. They were just friends.

“You know what I am talking about.” David wasn’t going to let this go, was he?

“I don’t know,” Matteo lied. “I was pretty out of it last night. It’s not a big deal”. He didn’t want to turn around to see the face David was making.

“Right”, he spoke up after a few minutes of silence. “Not a big deal.”

It was Monday morning, the first day of school and Matteo was already feeling like shit.

Everything had been going well. He had met up with Jonas and they walked together to school. Abdi and Carlos were with Kiki and Sam and the rest of the girl squad. Jonas had left him to greet Hannah, by picking her up and kissing her. He saw David in front of his locker talking to Leonie. Matteo spent a few minutes staring at them. He frowned. It was so obvious Leonie had a crush on him.

_They were at a party. He and Noah were lying on the couch, playing on their phones._

_“Oh, shit”, suddenly, Noah said. _

_“What?”, Matteo asked. Noah pointed at the wall, opposite them. There was David, making out with a girl. They broke apart. The girl took David’s had and started pulling him towards the bathrooms. “Poor, Leonie”, Noah muttered and got back to his phone. _

_“Does she like him?”, Matteo hadn’t really noticed it. “Yeah,” his boyfriend responded. “She really likes him.”_

_“What about David?” At that, Noah just shrugged. “Doesn’t seem like it.”_

Matteo walked right past David and Leonie, completely ignoring them, and greeted his friends. Then he made his way to his first class, which was biology, with Amira. They were close to the door when Noah walked in from the other direction. Their eyes met. Noah nodded at him in acknowledgement, and… that was it.

_Matteo was playing on his phone in the lobby, waiting for Noah to show up. Someone jumped on him, startling him. “Good morning”, Noah would say with a smile. Then he would hug and kiss him. After that, Noah would walk him to his classroom and would kiss him again, wishing him to have fun in class, only to text him five minutes later. _

And now, all of that was replaced by a small nod. Matteo wasn’t exactly sad. He was, just, feeling empty.

His thoughts were interrupted by Amira asking, “Sit next to me?”, as she opened the door. Matteo felt like he could breathe again.

Class had been boring, but Matteo was on edge the whole time, because of Noah. He wanted to turn around so badly, and see what he was doing. Thankfully, Amira was right next to him, poking him every time he was about to turn around, making him pay attention to the teacher.

When the teacher finally dismissed them, Matteo’s hand hurt from gripping the pen so tightly. Amira had dragged him out of the room as soon as he had put away his books. When they were outside, he thanked her.

“For what?” she had answered with a smile.

His other classes had been okay, but Matteo was already in a bad mood. It was harder than he thought to be in the same space as Noah. And every time he looked for David, Leonie was right there, next to him, which further fouled his mood.

He had lunch with Abdi and Jonas and after that he was ready to go home. Unfortunately, he had three more classes to go, the first of which was geography.

Which was another class he shared with Noah, so, he didn’t want to go. It was the only class where it was just the two of them.

_Matteo was pretty unhappy, because he wasn’t with any of his friends in this class. Noah also had geography, though. They had been texting non-stop since the party. He was waiting for class to start, while playing with his pen, when someone put their bag on his desk. He looked up, Noah was standing next to him._

_“Is this seat taken?” he had asked, and Matteo shook his head. Noah grinned and sat down, “Hi”._

_“Hi”, replied Matteo. _

_“Hi”, said again Noah and they laughed._

Class had started five minutes ago, but he was still walking around the hallways. He was contemplating whether he should skip or not. He stopped walking and felt someone behind him and his pulse picked up. He didn’t want to have to deal with a teacher lecturing him on the first day. 

David wrapped his arms around Matteo’s waist from behind. He kissed the back of his neck.

“Do you wanna skip?” he whispered. Matteo didn’t have to be asked twice.

So, now he was being kissed within an inch of his life in the boy’s bathroom. He had David pressed against the wall of the tiny green stall. His hands were making a mess of his hair. David was tugging on his T-shirt. David had pushed his leg between Matteo’s and they were grinding on each other, while Matteo licked and bit at David’s neck.

The bell rang and they broke apart. Matteo leaned on the wall opposite David, to put some distance between them. Both of them were panting and blushing heavily. He could hear the voices of his classmates in the bathroom. Matteo rubbed his face with his hands. David was trying to fix his hair.

Soon, it got quiet again, and David got out of the stall, Matteo following him. He looked into the mirror. Both of them were a mess. David’s shirt was unbuttoned and his hair was sticking in every direction. Matteo’s face was red, his belt was undone and his hair in not much better condition than David’s. It was so obvious what they had been up to. It was like it was written on their foreheads.

David turned towards the blond boy, “See you after school, yeah?”. but, he stopped in front of the door. Suddenly, he turned around. He grabbed Matteo’s collar, pulling him closer and kissed him deeply. After a few moments, he let go of Matteo. “Okay, bye”, Matteo had other plans, though. He caught David’s wrist, pulling him towards himself again.

They were fifteen minutes late for class.

“This is all your fault!”

“You started it.” they bickered while speed-walking, not running, to their classrooms.

God, David was such an asshole. Matteo had Spanish, but he couldn’t stop thinking about him. It’s not like Matteo didn’t appreciate the distraction, but now he was _too_ distracted.

He thought about David. That was all he seemed to be doing the past weeks. Did he threat other people the same way? Did he always stay until the morning? Did he kiss other people so softly? Did he shower together with them? Or, was it just with Matteo?

Fuck. Why did it even matter? They were not together.

His chest started hurting again.

But, they had spent a lot of time with each other. Matteo knew there was no way David had the time to see someone else. The previous week had been the only time they had been apart since they started the whole friends with benefits thing. So, unless he met up with someone in Fürstenberg… But, that was unlikely.

_Before David had gone to visit his godmother, the boys were at Matteo’s apartment. The coffee table was covered in beer bottles, and pizza boxes were scattered on the floor. Matteo was lounging on the sofa, while the boys were sitting on the floor, inches away from the TV. They were about to play Mario Kart, when Carlos spilled his beer on David’s pants. _

_“Dude”, whined David. _

_“Sorry, man” apologised Carlos. “Take them off, I’ll clean them up”, he was looking for tissues._

_“Carlos!”, David said, scandalised. “Do you think I’m that easy?” Matteo and Abdi snorted, and David glared at them. He looked at Carlos again, smiling, “It’s okay, don’t worry.”_

_“I’ll let you borrow some of mine”, Matteo said, getting up from his spot on the couch. “Come with me”, David followed him._

_“We are starting without you”, yelled Jonas after them._

_Once they were in the room, Matteo went to his closet, and found a clean pair of black sweatpants He turned around and saw that David had already taken off his pants. He was just in a black T-shirt and grey boxers. Matteo’s heartbeat picked up._

_“Those are for me, right?” David crossed the short distance between them. Matteo noticed that the bruises he had left on David’s thighs had healed. They were barely visible. _

_He dropped the sweatpants he was holding on the floor, besides their feet. He pushed David against the closet and kissed him hard. When he pulled away, David chased after him, and kissed him again. He pulled back again. _

_“Matteo?” David tilted his head, but Matteo didn’t answer. He started kissing down his neck, then down his chest and stomach over the T-shirt, and then he dropped to his knees. He started kissing David’s thighs, sucking and biting the soft skin there, making sure he was leaving marks. He took off David’s boxers. He pushed apart David’s legs, lifting one over his shoulder. David had his hands in Matteo’s hair in seconds. _

_“Matteo_”, _he moaned,_ “_fuck-”._

_“What took you so long?” asked Abdi when they finally had emerged from Matteo’s room. David took one of the controllers and sat next to Carlos on the floor. Matteo took one of the beer bottles on the coffee table and settled back on his spot on the sofa, “David was being picky”. _

Matteo was almost sure, David hadn’t slept with anyone else the past month. Well, he _had_ sabotaged Emma’s attempt. But, David wasn’t mad.

David had said that as long as you had boundaries, it was going to be okay. But, what were their boundaries? They hadn’t said anything about rules and limits. Matteo realised he was being a bit pushy, but David didn’t seem to mind. 

He knew David let him get away with many things. David hadn’t even said anything about the hickeys, Matteo kept leaving, each dark and big. David had just asked him not to leave them on his neck, because he couldn’t put up with the teasing.

Matteo wondered what more he could get away with.

His friends were waiting for him in front of the school. Abdi was telling a story that featured a lot of hand gestures, and Carlos was contributing with some remarks. Jonas was laughing, but David was on his phone, texting someone. Carlos spotted him, “Luigi!”. Matteo fist-bumped Jonas and Carlos, and did his super complicated, secret handshake with Abdi. When he turned to David, he hugged him. He knew that surprised him, but David hugged back. He didn’t let go for a couple of minutes. “Someone had a rough day”, Jonas commented and patted his shoulder.

“Ey, let’s go.” Carlos said and Matteo untangled himself from David. The boys started walking in front of them. David looked at him, questioningly, Matteo just shrugged. Then, he got closer to David to take his hand. David looked very confused, but he only let go when Jonas had turned to them. 

All of them were on bus. Carlos had gotten off the previous two stops. Usually, he and David walked home, but David had stayed on, _“A friend has come to Berlin,” he explained, “I’m meeting up with her”. Matteo frowned. The pain in his chest had returned._

Abdi had left, too. Jonas, though, was looking at them strangely. He wanted to say something, but apparently he decided against it. “This is me”, he had said when the bus stopped again. He hugged David, then he looked at Matteo. He was concerned. Matteo was about to ask him what’s the matter, but Jonas just hugged him, too, and left without a word.

It was just him and David. “Where are you meeting your friend?”, Matteo asked. He tried not to sound too bitter.

“I’m getting off the stop after yours”, David had answered. It got quiet between them. “I’m really excited”, David said. Matteo scowled. _What the fuck? Was that really fucking necessary?_

His thoughts were interrupted when David added, “I haven’t seen her in a while. She has been really busy”, Matteo couldn’t give less of a- “Wedding preparations and all”.

_Oh._

“She’s getting married?”, Matteo felt so stupid.

“Yeah”, David looked out of the window. “A friend of hers has a bakery. We are gonna meet up with him now, after workhours, to try cakes.”

Matteo was so, so stupid. Why did he get jealous in the first place? His cheeks reddened, “Cool”, he had said. David didn’t have to tell him what he was going to do. Matteo hadn’t asked. He had to admit, though, he felt better now.

“See you tomorrow,” David said when they had gotten to Matteo’s stop. He was feeling brave. He looked around, nobody was looking at them. He stepped closer to David, giving him a chaste kiss. He got off, without looking back to see his reaction.

As the days passed, it got easier to be in the same space as Noah. It didn’t bothered him as much anymore. They even managed to hold a civil conversation for three minutes before class started. It was a bittersweet, talking to Noah. 

Sometimes, Matteo would see something that was a reference to one of the many inside jokes they had, and he would take a picture of it, only to realise he can’t send it to Noah anymore. _Oh, well, _he thought_. What can you do?_

Matteo wondered if Markus had told Noah what had happened before school started. Even if he had, Noah hadn’t said anything to him.

Things were good, even though Matteo had been seriously pushing his luck with David.

At parties, when Matteo arrived he would either go straight to David and wouldn’t leave his side or he would avoid him completely, so he didn’t have to watch him make out with someone else.

When they were hanging out with others, he would always find an excuse to sit next to David, to touch him, to be close to him.

Matteo was being too clingy, and he knew it. But David never said anything. He encouraged it. They even had a game.

It all had started when Matteo stole a kiss from David, while they were with their friends.

_It was movie night in the flat. Almost all of Matteo’s roommates were at home, Linn had gone out. Mia had invited Alex and Hanna, who invited Jonas. David had already been there. Hans had his new boyfriend with him. All of them were in the living room, watching Titanic, because of Hans._

_“I’ll go get more popcorn,” David had said and gotten up. _

_“I’ll come with you”, Matteo followed him. No one paid attention to them. Just as they were coming back, Matteo pulled David and kissed him at the entrance of the living room. If someone had looked at the door, they would have been seen. They hadn’t been, though. It was dark and everyone had been looking at the TV. _

_Matteo returned to his spot on the floor next to the sofa. David sat next to him. After a couple of minutes, he leaned into Matteo’s space and kissed him, while their friends were immersed in the movie. “I win”, David whispered._

After that it had become a game. The riskier the kiss was, the more points you won. Currently, David was winning, because he literally made out with Matteo, while Abdi was sleeping next to them.

One night David had come over. They were making out on Matteo’s bed. David was about to take off his shirt, but Matteo pushed his hands away. David looked at him questioningly. 

“Not really.. in the mood.” the blond boy said. David smiled at him. He kissed his forehead and lied down, next to Matteo. “Are you still staying over?” he asked, but David had responded with a simple _if you want me to_.

They didn’t say anything for a while. Then, Matteo took David’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “Have you”, he paused. God, this was hard. His chest had started to hurt again. David turned towards him. Matteo continued, “Have you slept with other people? Since we… we started this?” David tensed.

“No”, he said.

“Okay”, Matteo was relieved. “Don’t sleep with anyone else,” he whispered. He knew this wasn’t part of their deal. He knew.

“Okay”, David answered “I wasn’t planning to.”

Things were going great until Jonas found out about him and David.

School had ended for the day. Matteo was walking down the hallway, when David had pulled him inside an empty classroom. When they were inside Matteo found himself trapped between the door and David. 

“Hi”, David smirked. Matteo wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him. “Hey,” Matteo responded. They kissed again, with more urgency this time. Matteo started pushing David towards the desks. David sat on top of one, Matteo standing between his legs. His hands had found their way under David’s T-shirt, settling on his waist. David was cupping his face and licking into his mouth. Matteo moaned-

“Holy shit”, Jonas had yelled from the door. Matteo jumped away from David.

Jonas had already closed the door, “Sorry!” 

David hid his face in his palms, “Fuck”, he mumbled. _Fuck, indeed._

He knew what was coming.

“We need to talk”, Jonas said as he passed Matteo, going into his flat. Matteo sighed.

“There is nothing to talk about”, Matteo said as he followed his best friend into his room.

“Are you together?” straight to the point, as always. Jonas was sitting on his bed. Matteo closed the door and leaned on it. “No,” he replied, “We are just friends”, Jonas looked at him. He wasn’t impressed.

“Friends that make out with each other?” Matteo really didn’t want to be having this conversation.

“Yes,” Matteo wanted to smoke.

“Dude.”

Jonas was looking very concerned. His brows were knitted, and his lips were turned into a frown.

“We are just friends, ” repeated Matteo, “it’s not that different. We just.. occasionally sleep with each other.”

Jonas jaw dropped, “Matteo, what the fuck?”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Matteo tried to explain, “I… just wanted to be with someone, it didn’t matter who it was. And David was… available.” Jonas scoffed.

“No, really”, Matteo continued, “It is just for convenience.”

“Convenience, he says.” he mocked. “Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?”

“What?” Matteo was getting more and more impatient.

Jonas leaned back, until he was lying on Matteo’s bed, with his palms on his face. After a couple of moments, he sat up again. “Would you sleep with me?” Matteo’s eyes widened, “What-”

“Or Abdi, or Carlos?” interrupted him Jonas.

“No!”

“You see??” Jonas had gotten up from Matteo’s bed and was standing right in front of him. Matteo couldn’t believe this, “In case you have forgotten, you guys are in a relationship!”

“That’s not the point!” Matteo looked down and took a deep breath.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Jonas groaned, “Dude! Do I really need to spell this out for you? ” Matteo just looked at him, his lips pressed into a thin line, “You like David”.

“Jonas, what the fuck?”

“Matteo,” Jonas had put his hands on Matteo’s shoulders, “I think it’s time you stopped lying to yourself”.

Matteo pushed him away, “I was in a relationship for two years. Two years! I can’t just-” Jonas rolled his eyes at him.

“You and I both know that you are no longer hung up on Noah”.

Matteo walked towards his bed and sat on it. After a couple of minutes Jonas joined him, putting his hand on his shoulder. “Matteo, it’s okay”, _it was not_, “You hang out and you have sex. You are basically dating.”

“It’s not like that,” Matteo mumbled. “We are just friends,” he tried again.

Jonas sighed, “I just,” he spoke softly, trying to choose the right words, “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

It had been a long week. Matteo had, like, 300 tests, and a shitload of homework. Plus, he and David didn’t have much time to hang out, because David was always busy. Leonie, on the other hand, had seen plenty of David. In fact, she wasn’t leaving his side while they were at school and that pissed Matteo off.

Every time he caught a glimpse of David, Leonie was there. He didn’t understand why he was so angry. David could have other friends. It’s not like Matteo was entitled to his undivided attention. David didn’t own him anything. He knew that. He knew. But it still hurt to not see him.

It was okay now, though. Matteo would be staying over at David’s for the weekend, since Laura was gone for a few days. 

They were on the bed. David had his back pressed against the headboard, Matteo was sitting on his lap, facing him.

Matteo had his hands on David’s face. His thumbs stroking his cheeks. Matteo dragged his right hand down David’s neck and let it rest on his shoulder. His left hand was still holding his face, his thumb swiping over David’s lips.

“What are you doing?” David asked. Matteo just shrugged. He pressed his thumb over David’s lips, who opened his mouth and gently bit Matteo’s finger.

“Asshole”, Matteo whispered, but David was smiling.

Matteo’s heart ached.

Matteo put both of his hands on David’s neck, thumbs stroking his jaw. He pulled back a bit, just to look at the boy in front of him. He never let himself properly look at David. But, right now, he was tired. Too tired, to hold back. 

David was so beautiful. Even though, the curtains were drawn, rays of sunlight had still made their way into the room. The sun was rising. The light made David’s eyes look like pools of honey, warm and sweet. Just like David himself.

“I just missed you,” Matteo whispered. David tilted his head.

His hands tightened their grip on Matteo’s hips.

“Matteo?”

The blond boy leaned in and kissed David’s forehead, then his nose, his cheeks. He pulled back.

“I really missed you.”

He leaned in again and kissed David on the lips this time. But after a few seconds he inched away, just barely. Their faces were close, their lips were almost touching. Then, he leaned in again; he did it again, and again, and again.

They were sitting on David’s bed, in the quiet hours of the morning, trading soft kisses and Matteo’s heart ached.

They broke apart, and Matteo rested his forehead against David’s. This was too much. 

“What’s wrong?” David asked. He couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt. Jonas was a fucking idiot.

_I’m not in love with him,_ Matteo thought.

David pulled him closer, Matteo hid his face in the crook of David’s neck.

_I’m not. _

_I can’t be._


	6. i guess i figured out sooner than later, that love's just another kind of bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of the reasons i try to update fast is because i don't want to end up overthinking it.  
i really don't like this chapter, but i hope you do! at least, now we know what David is thinking, haha  
thank you again for your lovely comments! they mean a lot to me!  
i hope i haven't disappointed you too much with this one  
chapter title from push by fog lake

David was in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee. It was 9:28 AM, Matteo was still sleeping in his bed. He thought about everything that happened between them._ What am I doing?_

He remembered an argument he had with Noah, a few months before they had broken up with Matteo.

It all started with Noah trying to gently persuade him to date Paul, his best friend, after David had slept with him. Noah wouldn't shut up about how nice he was and how good it would be for David to be in a relationship with someone like him. David made a rude comment about looking for people to fuck, not to fall in love with and it all escalated from there. In retrospect, David shouldn’t have been so angry, but he was having a bad day. It was the second anniversary since he moved out from his parent's house. Two years of no contact. 

And Noah was being annoying.

_“Why are you so fucking cynical?”, Noah had yelled at him._

_“I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but real love doesn’t exist”, David had yelled back. “It’s just a fucking chemical reaction, Noah, it’s not that deep”_

_“But, it’s not!” Noah shouted again. God, he was really getting on David’s nerves. “It’s so much more than that! It’s about having this one person, who understands you, who makes you happy, who will be with you, no matter what, unconditionally! Even if everyone left, you would know that this person won’t leave.” David couldn’t help but laugh._

_“Noah”, he started, “A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional”, David was remembering things he wanted to forget, “And yet, there are parents that disown their kids for no reason at all”. David voice wavered and his eyes burned. Fuck. Why was he thinking about his parents? “Do you seriously want me to believe that some random person will always love me, and be next to me”, David wasn’t going to cry, _he wasn’t_, “When my _own_ parents left me just for being who I am?” He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes to stop the tears from spilling, “Love is fucking bullshit”._

_Love is bullshit_, _huh? _He went back to his room. Matteo was still sleeping. _I am an idiot, _he thought as he got in the bed. Matteo moved closer to him, wrapping his arms around his waist and tucking his head under his chin. David felt warm. _And a masochist. _He hugged Matteo back. _I should have stayed away._

“I have to go to class”, David said for the fifteenth time, probably.

“Who is stopping you?” Matteo replied and pressed a kiss to his neck. They were in a secluded spot in the back of the library, hidden by the shelves. David was leaning on the window, with Matteo draped all over him. Lunch had ended ten minutes ago, and he was going to be late. Again.

“Okay, we are going”, he pushed Matteo off him. He had made exactly three steps, before he was being pulled back. “I have a free period”, Matteo wrapped his hands around his neck and kissed him. _Why are you making this so difficult?_

“Well, I have Maths”, David untangled himself from the cute blonde boy in front of him, “I’ll see you later”. Matteo pouted, “Fine”. _Why are you so cute?_ David cupped his face and started peppering kisses all over it. Matteo was laughing and David’s heart skipped a beat.

“I’m leaving, for real this time”, he placed one final kiss on Matteo’s lips and walked away, without looking back. He knew if he did, he would cave in and miss class. Again.

David tried to pay attention to his teacher, but he found himself thinking about Matteo again. _This was not supposed to happen. _He thought about sad blue eyes and pink lips that were softer than they looked. _How was I supposed to stay away, though?_

The first time David saw Matteo, he thought he was hallucinating.

_It was Monday morning and David had the worst hangover in his life. He was leaning on Sara, hiding his face in the crook of her neck, “I’m dying”. Leonie laughed next to him. “Don’t laugh”, he said to her, “It’s your fault. Why did you even let me drink so much?”_

_“But you were having so much fun!” Yeah, sure. He distinctly remembers doing shots with a bunch of boys from the football team, but after that it’s a blur. Whatever, judging by the hickey he had on the shoulder, he did have fun. Now, though, David wasn’t feeling very good. “I want to go home,” David whined. His head was killing him. “Don’t be a baby”, Leonie scolded him. He was about to retort, when someone yelled, making his headache worse. David looked towards the direction of the noise, ready to glare at the person who thought it was okay to be so loud, so early in the morning. Then, his eyes fell on the most beautiful boy he had ever seen._

_He had blond hair, styled in an undercut. His dark clothes – an oversized black jacket, a black and red stripped sweater and grey pants, made his blue eyes stand out. He had a really cute button nose. The boy smiled at something Jonas said and David was melting._

_“Who is that?”, he tried to ask calmly._

_“Ugh, that’s Jonas,” Leonie answered. _Not him_. “Next to him is Matteo, Sara’s ex.”_

Matteo_. David knew he was staring, but he couldn’t help it. This boy was so pretty._

_“He is such an asshole”, she added. David looked at Sara, but she wasn’t sad. She even had a small smile on her face. He was about to ask what had happened between them, when another blond boy joined the pair. He kissed Matteo._

_Oh._

_“And that’s Noah”, Sara said, “Matteo’s boyfriend”. It was probably mainly from the headache, but David felt crushed._

_Of course, he had a boyfriend._

“I think, like”, David was tired. This was the seventh person that approached him today. She was a cute girl, though – red hair, big blue eyes, almost like Ma-, _no._

She was a bit taller than David, probably as tall as- _no._

“that, like, you are very brave”. She was looking at the pins on his backpack. “Thanks!”, he smiled at her.

She bit her lip, “I am having a party next week”, David could feel the intense stares of Abdi and Carlos on his back. “And I was wondering if you would want to come?”, she had a really nice voice. “I would love to”, he said with a smile.

Someone coughed behind him and he held back the urge to roll his eyes. “Is it okay if my friends come, too?” he pointed at Abdi, Jonas, Carlos and Matteo, who were pretending they weren’t listening in their conversation. The girl looked at them, clearly unimpressed, “Sure”, she looked back at him, “Can I, uh,” David found her hesitation very cute, it reminded him of M- _stop that_.

“Have your number? So, I can text you the address?” She was blushing. David took her phone, she blushed even deeper when their hands touched. He gave it back after putting in his number.

“See you around”, she said and hurried towards her friends in the end of the hallway.

“Oh, David!” He turned around when he heard Abdi’s high-pitched voice. “You are so brave”, Abdi draped himself on David. He was making fun of the girl, “please, fuck me”.

David shook Abdi’s hands off him. Matteo snorted. David glanced at him. _This is so unfair_, he thought. Not five minutes ago there was a very cute girl in front of him, but he wouldn’t stop thinking about Matteo. _This is getting out of control._

“Bro, no, you should have been there.” Carlos said, “You had to see Mr. Wagner‘s face when Abdi answered his question”, Jonas and Matteo were laughing. Abdi was shouting something, but he had his mouth full, so it came out muffled and incomprehensible. They were at a small restaurant, right next to their school. Classes had ended and they decided to go eat, before going home. David stole one of Matteo’s fries. He glared at him, but David just grinned and stole another one. Matteo just rolled his eyes, but pushed his plate a bit towards David.

“I want to eat something sweet,” Jonas said, “like a chocolate bar or something.”

“Gummy bears”, Matteo said while chewing, “I’m really craving some”. The boys started arguing about which candy is the best. David wasn’t listening to them, though. He kept his attention on Matteo. The blond boy raised an eyebrow at him, and David mimicked him. Matteo, tilted his head, David did the same. Matteo giggled, and David melted.

“Fuck! I’m starving,” someone with a familiar voice said behind him. David didn’t have to turn to see who it was. Matteo’s face had fallen. The others hadn’t noticed the two boys, one of which was Noah, that had entered.

Noah and his friend had sat in the other end of the restaurant. Matteo kept glancing at them, with a small frown on his pretty face. David gently kicked at his shoes._ Look at me. _Matteo turned to him and offered a small smile, but then he went back to looking at Noah._ I wish you only looked at me._

David was at home, in his bed. Alone, this time. He was concerned about Matteo. After he saw Noah, Matteo had withdrawn. He had stopped smiling, and he didn't even talk to the boys on the way home. David was worried. He wanted to make sure he was okay.

He got up from his bed and got dressed.

“Where are you going?” Laura had asked when she saw him at the door.

“I'll be right back.”

**To italien:**

**(22:03)** matteo

**(22:04)** matteooooooo

**(22:06)** matteoooooooooooooo

**From italien:**

**(22:10)** what?

**To italien:**

**(22:11)** look out of ur balcony

“What the hell?”, Matteo grinned, “What are you doing here?”. David looked up to him and beamed. He took the packet out of his pocket, “Catch”, he shouted and threw it towards the blond boy. Matteo, of course didn’t catch it, but it landed on the balcony, next to his feet. He picked the packet of gummy bears up. His grin grew impossibly wider. Matteo laughed, “What?”. David felt his chest getting warmer. Matteo was now looking down at him, “Why?”._ To see you smile_. David shrugged, “You said you were craving some”.

“Aren’t you coming up?”, Matteo was leaning on the railway. He looked almost angelic with the light coming from behind him, from his room.

“No, I should get going, Laura is gonna be mad at me”, David made a few steps backwards, “Bye” he shouted and turned around. When he looked back, Matteo was still on the balcony, smiling. _How_, David though, _could I think I could stay away from him?_

David was walking down the hallway. He was about to meet up with Matteo and go to his flat. Class had ended, and he was looking forward to spending time with him. He stopped when he saw Noah in front of him.

“Can we talk?” Noah asked. David looked around, hoping he wasn't talking to him. They were alone, though. David looked at Noah again, and nodded. 

“Let's go, then”. He took out his phone behind Noah's back to text Matteo: _something came up, i'll meet u at the flat. _

They were in the bathrooms. It was really quiet. It was unnerving. David was about to ask what’s the matter, but Noah beat him to it.

“So. You and Matteo”, he wasn’t asking. David was shocked.

Noah rolled his eyes, “Matteo can’t match his concealer,” when David didn’t say anything, he added, “You are wearing his T-shirt.”

“This is-”.

“Don’t even try, I was with Jonas when he bought that for Matteo.”, Noah interrupted him again.

It was very awkward and David wanted to leave. But Noah was blocking the exit, leaning on the door. David was leaning on the wall opposite him, as far as possible.

“And”, Noah spoke again, “Markus told me.” _Of course._

David knew Noah wanted to look confident, as if he didn’t give a shit. But his eyes were glassy and red, his hands were shaking.

“We are just friends”, David said.

Noah scoffed at him, “Is this because of your stupid "I don’t do relationships” thing?“ David didn’t say anything. Noah looked down at his feet. He spoke up again, a bit more softly this time, “Don’t fuck him over just because you are scared.” David’s eyes widened. He wanted to protest, to argue, to retort, that _he wasn’t scared-_

"Whatever. This has nothing to do with me.” Noah straightened up and lifted his bag off the floor.

“I just wanted to warn you”, then, he chuckled, “woah, that’s sound as if I’m threatening you.”

“Noah, what is it?” David was getting impatient. This whole situation was uncomfortable enough.

“Matteo is,” he paused. He couldn’t find the right words. “He… It’s… it’s, uh, hard during Christmas for Matteo. You should keep an eye on him.” Noah smiled sadly, “and you should cover for him in front of the boys. He doesn’t like worrying them”.

But David was confused. What did he mean? Matteo didn’t like Christmas? Watch over him? Cover for him? Why? Most importantly, “Why are you telling me this?”

Noah had already opened the door and was half way out of it. He looked back at David, “Don’t be stupid, David. You know why.” And he left.

_“Have you ever been in love?” Noah suddenly asked. David groaned._

_“This again?” David was tired._

_“I know you think this is stupid, but that doesn’t protect you from actually experiencing it.” They were at the cabin for the weekend. He and Noah were sitting on the grass, leaning on the side of the house. _

_Matteo was playing badminton with Hannah. _

_“So?” Noah pried. It was a bit awkward between them after their argument about Paul._

_“Yes, actually”, David responded. David was done pretending, done lying to himself. He took a sip from the beer he was holding. Then, he added, “But I was right. It sucks”. Then he turned to look at Noah. He wasn't looking at him._

_“Why so?”, Noah asked and turned to David. But he probably already knew the answer. His eyes were cold._

_David looked at Matteo,“it won't work out”, he paused and after a couple of minutes he added,“He has a boyfriend”._


	7. my mind's lost in bleak visions, i've tried to escape but keep sinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't thank you enough for all the nice comments! you guys are amazing! you have no idea how happy your comments make me! thank you so much!
> 
> this chapter might seem a bit weird? but i hope it will make more sense with the next one. 
> 
> hope you like it! <3 <3 <3 
> 
> chapter title is from human by daughter

When November came around, Matteo was already feeling as if he was on low-battery mode. He was feeling exhausted and was looking forward to Christmas break, so he didn’t have to deal with all this stress.

One thing that was bothering him a lot was the fact he couldn’t sleep. He would get in bed at around 11 PM, but he would be tossing and turning until 4 AM. And from the lack of sleep he had started getting killer headaches. David had been a great help, though. When they were sleeping in the same bed, Matteo found it easier to fall asleep, so he tried to make David come over as often as possible. He felt guilty about it. He was pretty sure that it was against the rules of the whole friends with benefits things, but David hadn’t said anything. He didn’t seemed to mind.

On the nights when David wasn’t with him, he would smoke at least two joints, so he was relaxed enough to fall asleep. But that was seriously fucking with his finances. And his head still hurt when he woke up.

Other than that, everything was fine. _It was fine._

When David said he would come over to study, Matteo didn’t actually think they were really going to study. To his horror, when David was finally in his room, he started taking out his textbooks. “What”, Matteo was standing close to the door, looking at David who was on the floor with the books around him, “are you doing?”, he asked.

David looked up at him, confused, “Getting ready to study?”.

“Wait, for real?”, David wasn’t impressed. His mouth was turned into a frown, “Yes, Matteo, for real.”, but he laughed when he saw Matteo’s pout, “Come on, where are your stuff?” David started looking around his room. Matteo couldn’t believe this. He was about to retort, but he saw David looking at something next to his bed. He knew what had caught his attention.

“They are on the floor next to my desk.”, he said, and he got to his bed to take the full ashtray and the empty beer bottles, “I’ll get some coffee”. He said and went to the kitchen, without looking at David’s face.

_This is torture._ Matteo usually found it hard to concentrate on his own, now that David was here, it was impossible. When Matteo had come back from the kitchen and sat next to him on the floor, David had shoved his biology textbook before he could say anything.

An hour had passed. David was writing away in his notebook, while reading something from the textbook in front of him. Matteo looked back again at his biology book. _It’s pointless. _Matteo did actually try to study. But when he read the same sentence for the fourth time and still didn’t understand anything he gave up. Words just aren’t making sense today. He slouched down until he was lying on the floor. His face was next to David’s thigh. He hadn’t noticed Matteo slacking.

Matteo pressed his face to David’s leg. He started kissing up his thigh, and when he got to his stomach, he lifted a bit his shirt to kiss at the skin there.

“Matteo,” David warned. The blond boy was now pressing kisses on his neck, then his jaw and cheeks.

“I already went over this with Amira,” he said. It wasn’t technically a lie. He was going to study with Amira tomorrow, so same thing, really. He took the books from David’s hands and placed them next to him, on the floor. He straddled David’s lap and kissed him, slipping his hands under his T-shirt.

Even though, David kissed back for a couple of minutes, he pushed Matteo’s hands off him and leaned back to put some distance between them. David didn’t believe him, but had decided to humour him. “Okay,” he said, “Help me with Maths and we can do something else later”. Matteo leaned in again, “I usually charge for my tutoring services”.

David gripped his hips and leaned in to kiss him. Matteo kissed back, enthusiastically, then David pulled him closer, while licking into his mouth. Matteo liked where this was going. He cupped David’s face, trying to deepen the kiss even more, but David pulled back again. Matteo chased after him, but David went as far to push him off his lap.

“Maths, first”, he said as he started rummaging in his bag. Matteo rolled his eyes, but complied. Maths was okay. That was his favourite subject actually. He liked how easy it was. No long paragraphs, elaborated explanations for shit Matteo didn’t give a fuck about. Maths was logical, it followed a system. He liked solving problems, it entirely occupied his mind. When he was reading, it was easy to get distracted. No such thing with Maths, though. It was relaxing for him.

An hour and a half had passed, and they had solved most of the problems David had for his class. Matteo was lying on the floor, while David was working on the last one.

“Are you done, yet?” he asked, impatiently. David smirked, “Yeah, almost”. But Matteo didn’t want to wait any longer. He sat up, took the notebook from David and finished writing instead of him.

“All done,” he closed it and put it on the floor. David just laughed at him. He pushed Matteo until he was lying, and got on top of him. “Thank you for your help”, David said against his lips. But Matteo was done talking. His hands were in David’s hair, pulling him closer to kiss him. Matteo liked the weight of David on top of him. It reminded him that this was real. He thought he heard his phone ringing, but he ignored it. David’s hands sneaked under his T-shirt, signalling to Matteo to take it off. Matteo was about to do that when, Mia yelled, “Matteo, Jonas and Carlos are here!” 

_Why_, Matteo thought miserably. David was off him in seconds. Matteo already missed the contact. David sat a couple of meters away from him, breathing hard, “Did you know they were coming?”, he asked. Did he? He couldn’t remember inviting them. But before Matteo could answer, the door of his room swung open and Carlos and Jonas entered, yelling “Luigi, let’s go out!”. They stopped when they saw David. “David,” Carlos greeted, happily, “What are you doing here?”

“Matteo was helping me with Maths”, David answered. His face was flushed and his hair was a mess. Matteo wanted to mess it up more.

“I’m sure he was”, murmured Jonas. He was looking at them with his eyebrows raised. Matteo was about to kick them out, by telling them he and David had _plans_, like he used to do when the boys walked in on him and Noah.

But then, he realised he couldn’t. They weren’t dating. A fact that he seemed to forget often nowadays. 

The next day, Matteo was late for school. That night, he must have fallen asleep at around four am again. He was woken up by Hans.

“Matteo, don’t you have school?” Hans was on his bed, shaking his shoulder gently, “Matteo?”

“Yeah, okay, I’m up”, he sat up. He was already in a shitty mood.

“You should hurry,” Hans said as he got up.

“Okay, I said I was up”, snapped Matteo.

“I’m just-”

“Holy shit, I said I was up, don’t you have anything better to do?” he yelled at Hans. The older man just raised his eyebrows at him. _Fuck_. He was about to apologize, but Hans had already left the room. _A great start_, he thought 

“Dude, I have no idea how I’ll put up with Mr. Becker’s voice.” Jonas complained while they were eating their lunch. Well, Jonas was eating, Matteo was just poking at his food. “It’s like nails on a chalkboard”. Matteo hummed. He wasn’t hungry. But he couldn’t remember if he had breakfast that morning, or not. _Whatever._ He pushed his tray away from him. He couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened in the morning. He felt so guilty. Hans was nice enough to wake him up, so he wouldn’t be late, and what did he do? Yell at him. Why was he so irritated so early in the morning, anyway? _Why am I such a shitty person?_

Jonas realised his best friend wasn’t paying attention, and decided to change the topic.

“So.”, Jonas turned to him. It was just the two of them today at lunch. Carlos and Abdi were with Kiki and Sam. And who knew where David was? _With Leonie probably_, Matteo thought bitterly.

“How is it going with you and David?”

“It’s fine”, Matteo answered. What kind of question was that? He felt himself getting irritated again.

“So, you are together now? Officially?” That surprised Matteo.

“What? No.” Jonas stopped eating. He put his sandwich away, and looked at Matteo. He was concerned.

“Why not?”

“Because he doesn’t see me in _that way_”, he felt his chest tightening when he said that. “And it’s fine like this”, Matteo laid down his head on the table, pillowing it with his arms, “why fix it, if it ain’t broken and all that” he mumbled. _This is enough. Being with David like this is enough._

“But, I don’t get it? It’s like you are already dating, why don’t you just”, Jonas made some gestures with his hands, as to emphasize his point, “make it real?”

“He doesn’t like me like that, Jonas”, he repeated, a bit too sharp. _It would have been nice, though. _He realised he was about to snap at Jonas, too, so he tried to calm down. _No reason to be irritated. _“Plus, you know what he thinks about relationships”. 

Jonas wanted to say more, but he just asked, “Man, what’s up with you? You seem a bit low.”

Matteo straightened up, stretching his arms over his head. “Just tired”, he answered, after a couple of minutes he added, “And my head hurts”.

Jonas started smirking, “David kept you up last night?”. Matteo reached across the table to slap his best friend’s shoulder_._

Amira had brought him brownies. They had met up after school at a café to study together for biology, and _Amira had brought him brownies. _He would take some to Hans, as an apology. _Fuck. _He felt so guilty.

“You are the best”, he said as he reached for the tupperware, but she pulled it away from his grasp.

“This is for after we are done studying.” Matteo pouted and slouched down his seat. Amira opened her textbook, “Let’s start, then”, she said. Her phone lit up. From his seat Matteo could see that it was a message from… Mohammed? Amira smiled as she read it. _Oh._

“Who is Mohammed?”, he asked because he was a nosy asshole. She glared at him. “I don’t know what you are talking about”, she snapped at him.

“I’m talking about the guy that just texted you”, he said, smugly. Suddenly, Amira smiled at him. She leaned on the table with her elbows on it.

“What’s up with you and David?”, she asked. It was Matteo’s turn to glare at her. Before he could say anything, Kiki sat down at their table.

“Hey, guys”, Matteo nodded at her, Amira hugged her, “Do you mind if I stay here for a bit? I’m waiting for Carlos”, she noticed the textbooks on the table. “I swear, I won’t get in your way.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine,” Amira said and looked at him. Matteo just shrugged. Kiki beamed and took out her phone.

“I think we are done with Evolution”, Amira looked up something on her laptop.

“So, now, we have genetics, right?” Matteo asked, Amira nodded. He sighed, “Great.”

They spent a couple of minutes in silence, going over the text in their books.

Matteo was a bit anxious. He couldn’t read anything. It was like the letters kept switching their places, moving across the page. Even if he did manage to read a sentence, he didn’t seem to fully understand it. _Amira is going to be mad_, he thought. 

“Oh,” Kiki whispered, but it caught his attention. He looked up at her. She was already looking at him.

“What?”, he asked. She looked back at her phone, hesitating. Amira was sitting next to her, so she saw what was on her phone. “What is it?”, he repeated. Matteo was annoyed.

Kiki gave him her phone. He looked at the screen. Her Instagram feed was opened. He saw that a girl had posted a picture of Noah grinning at the camera. He had smudged lipstick on his lips, cheeks and neck. He was shirtless. The caption was _the cutest boyfriend ever_.

Well. He looked at Kiki and Amira. Amira didn’t look too bothered. Kiki, though, looked crushed, as if that was _her_ ex. Matteo didn’t know how to express how much he _didn’t care, so neither should she_, but then her phone lit up again. It was a message.

“Carlos is in front of the café”, he simply said as he gave back her phone. She got up, kissed Amira on the cheek and when she walked past him, she put a comforting hand on his shoulder. He knew she was trying to be nice, but it just annoyed him.

When she finally left, Matteo felt Amira taping his hand. He looked at her, she was holding the tupperware with the brownies.

“You can have one before we start,” she said softly, “for motivation”.

Matteo chuckled, “For motivation? All right.” He took one, shoving it in his mouth.

Amira made delicious brownies. Matteo loved them, he loved how the chocolate melted on his tongue and how rich the flavour was.

But now, he couldn’t taste anything.

Matteo was supposed to meet up with David at the school gates, when he was done with Amira. He honestly looked forward to seeing David. Matteo was so irritated. It had gotten quite late, almost 9:00 pm, because he just couldn’t concentrate. It was frustrating. Amira had been very patient with him, though.

David had assured him he would wait. So, Matteo went back to the school. But when he got there, he saw Leonie hanging off David’s neck, pressing a kiss to his cheek. _What the fuck?_ David was laughing. He started walking towards them. He was already really pissed off and now this? When he stopped in front of them, he didn’t say anything. Leonie glared at Matteo, but David had smiled. “Anyway. Bye, David”, she said as she squeezed David’s biceps, before leaving. They watched her turn at the first corner of the street.

David turned to him smiling, but before he could say anything, Matteo was kissing him, hard. David parted his lips in surprise, and Matteo used it as an opportunity to shove his tongue into his mouth, deepening the kiss. After a couple of minutes, though, he had to pull away to breathe. But he still kept David’s face close to his. He looked dazed, but happy, “Hi?” Matteo didn’t say anything back. “Missed you, too?”

Matteo was leaning in again, but David chuckled as he pushed him. He pointed at the direction of the bus stop that was next to their school. “Hold on. We are going to miss the bus.”

When they got on, they sat again at the far back. There were some people, but they were few, and none of them were close to the pair. Matteo tried to kiss David again, but he pushed him back. Matteo wasn’t giving up, though.

“Matteo,” David moaned quietly, as he bit hard down his neck. It was going to bruise. _Good._ “Matteo, we are in public.”

“Nobody is looking at us.” Matteo tried to slip his hand under the waistband of David’s pants, but he stopped him.

“What’s up with you?” David looked concerned. But Matteo was looking at his lips. “Nothing,” he said. David moved away a bit from him. He looked sad.

“Is this about Noah?”, David wasn’t looking at him, “You saw the post, right?”

Matteo was so fucking angry. Why did everyone think he cared what Noah was doing? “No”, he gritted through his teeth. “It has nothing to do with Noah.” _It was because of fucking Leonie stealing every fucking guy I like. First Jonas, now- _He couldn’t say that, though.

David didn’t look convinced. He was frowning at him. Matteo wanted to kiss him, again.

“I just had a bad day”, he said, more gently this time. “Not because of Noah.” He took David’s hand in his.

“Okay”, David squeezed his hand. Matteo leaned his head on David’s shoulder. He felt him kissing the top of his head.

It turned out that it took just _one bad day_.

David asked him if he wanted to sleep over, and Matteo couldn’t be happier. _Finally_, he thought, _I’ll get some sleep_.

But he couldn’t fall asleep. It was very dark in the room, but Matteo could still make out David’s features - his long lashes, his nose, his lips. David had fallen asleep hours ago. Matteo couldn’t. He kept turning, when he finally settled on facing David. He put a hand on his cheek, stroking his cheekbone.

David slowly opened his eyes.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up”, Matteo whispered.

“What’s wrong?”, David asked while he was rubbing his eyes with his hand. His voice was raspy. _Cute._

“I just can’t sleep”, he answered.

David yawned. Then, he got closer to Matteo, pulling him, so Matteo’s head was tucked under his chin. He wrapped his arms around his waist and tangled their legs together.

An overwhelming sadness washed over Matteo, when he hugged David back. He thought of Hans again_. _

_I don’t deserve this._

The next morning David spent thirty minutes coaxing Matteo into getting out of bed. They were going to be really late for school. And that thought made Matteo even more anxious.

“Matteo,” said David gently, “we are not going to school.” He was crouching beside the bed, holding one of Matteo’s hands, while stroking his cheek with the other. He was already dressed. “Just come out to have breakfast”, he whispered, “you can go back to bed after that.”

_I’m hogging his bed._

He did get up, eventually. When he did, David beamed at him. _This is pathetic._

He couldn’t eat more than two bites of the sandwich David made him. He started feeling even guiltier. _He took the time and effort to do this, and yet… _He got back into David’s bed, with David right next to him.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered. David kissed his forehead, “It’s okay, don’t worry”. They heard the front door opening and both of them froze.

“It’s Laura”, David said quietly, “I’ll go say hi”.

Matteo could hear them talking.

“David, why aren’t you at school?”, she said instead of greeting him.

“I didn’t feel very well in the morning, so I skipped. I’m better now, though.”

“You should have told me”, Laura didn’t sound pleased. _It’s all my fault, Matteo thought._

With a lot of effort he managed to get up again. He put on his jeans, but he kept the hoodie David had lent him. He took his things – phone, backpack and sweater, and left as quietly as he could.

He got on the bus. _Everything was going so well_, he thought.

When he got back to his own flat, he went straight to his room. He rolled a joint, put his headphones on and lied down on his bed_. I will be fine_, he thought as he lit up the cigarette. _I will be fine_, he closed his eyes.

He didn’t go to school that week.


	8. coming up for air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to thank you again for reading this and commenting! i really don't deserve your kindness (ノД`)・゜・。
> 
> i think, there are one or two chapters left of this, and i am nervous! hope you like this one! honestly, i think i fucked up the story a bit, since it didn't go to the direction i wanted it to go, but what can you do? that's what happens when you don't think things through, haha
> 
> just so you know, this chapter is sad, it's about matteo's episodes and there is a mention of suicidal thoughts. you can skip that part, it starts at "people like him were meant to be alone" and it ends at "Despite being the main reason for Matteo to stay afloat, Noah had still left. But it was okay, Matteo knew it would happen." i dont know if it would be triggering for someone the way i wrote it, but better be safe!
> 
> chapter title is from basic instinct by the acid
> 
> hope you like ittttttt <3 <3 <3

When Matteo was younger, his mother used to take him to the park almost every day during the summer. At the beginning of the summer, when he was 6 years old, though, she stopped doing it.

_“Mama, are we going to the park, today?” he would ask, sitting on the floor next to her bed._

_“Not today, sweetheart, Mama is too tired.” she would answer. _

But that would happen every day, and Matteo just stopped asking.

Instead, he would crawl under the covers with some of his toys to lie next to her. Some days she would hug him and pull him closer, others she would turn to the other side, so she wouldn’t look at him. One day, when she was hugging him, she wouldn’t stop whispering _“I’m sorry, I’m sorry_”, while sobbing. Back then, he wasn’t sure why she was apologizing. He hadn’t known what to say, so he just hugged her back.

Now, he understood.

David had been at his flat nearly every day, after school. He would talk to him about anything, really – what had happened at school, what the boys did, which subjects he was struggling with, the new movie he had watched, the movie script that wouldn’t get out of his head. But Matteo never said anything. And it made him feel guilty, but thinking about the right words and actually saying them was too hard. So, he just listened as David rambled on.

He got annoyed sometimes, because he just wanted to be left alone. But he tried not to snap at David, at least. He really tried. But then, Jonas and the boys had also come, and it was too much. He didn’t want them there, he wanted them out of his room. 

_“_Get out_”, _Jonas had been talking about something, but Matteo couldn’t take it anymore, “I said, get out.” he repeated, a bit louder this time, when he realised his friends were still in the room. The boys were looking at him, but he was hiding his face under the covers.

He heard the door being closed. David had gone, too.

Matteo remembered the first time he felt like this. It was during the first month after he had moved out. It was in the middle of summer, and all his friends were somewhere else. Jonas and Hannah were at Hannah’s cabin. Carlos was visiting his family in another city, and Abdi was on a holiday with his parents. His roommates weren’t home a lot, either. His mother had just been hospitalized, and he hadn’t talked to his father in month.

So, Matteo spent most of his time in his room, with nothing to distract him from the guilt that was beginning to consume him.

When he woke up, he felt as if he had something really heavy on his chest. So heavy, he couldn’t even move; it was almost suffocating. Still, he made the effort to go out of bed, though. He made himself eat even if anything he ate had the same bland taste. He tried to read or to watch something, but he couldn’t concentrate and the noise from the TV irritated him. He couldn’t stop thinking about his mother, was the thing. At night, he would lie on his bed, thinking about how hard it was for her. His father had left, because he couldn’t _put up with her_ anymore, as he had said. Yet, even if Matteo hated him for it, he had done the same thing. He left her all on her own_. I am a bad person, _he would think.

He wanted, no, needed to talk to someone. He took his phone, opened his contacts and spent five minutes staring at the screen. He couldn’t think of one person he could call, without feeling like a burden. There was not one person he could talk to. _Just like mom_. He felt crushed by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Like someone had pushed his head underwater, and he couldn’t breathe anymore, but that person kept pushing, and pushing.

So, he stopped trying. He stopped trying to make himself eat, or even get out of bed. He still woke up and felt like his chest was being crushed by something invisible, but heavy. But he didn’t do anything.

It’s not like Matteo was just sad. There were some days he could not stop sobbing, but mostly he felt guilty. He would think about all the things he should be doing, but just the thought of actually doing them made him anxious. So, he did nothing. And that made him feel worse.

During those days it was actually Linn that helped him get through it.

_After the first week, she had knocked on his door. He didn’t answer, but she had come in anyway._

_“Matteo” she said softly, while running her fingers through his hair. Matteo was embarrassed. He hadn’t showered in four days, so he knows his hair was greasy. He wanted her to go away._

_“Matteo, you should get cleaned up.” He knew that. He knew it very well. But then he thought how he had to get out of bed, go to the bathroom, take of his clothes, shower, then get dressed again and he couldn’t. It was too much._

_“I can’t.” he whispered._

_“It’s okay”, she had taken his hand in hers. “At least brush your teeth?”, Matteo really wanted her to leave, but she was persistent. Eventually, he got up._

_After he brushed his teeth, he had gone straight to bed again, because he was exhausted. _I am pathetic._ But Linn stopped him before he lied down._

_“Let me just-”, she sat next to him on the bed and brushed his hair. After that, she let him sleep._

_Every day she would come to his room to try to get him out of his bed just for a bit. Eventually he had started doing that on his own, but he didn’t have much energy to do anything else. Linn didn’t push him, though. She cooked for him, helped him clean his room, until he started feeling better. _

_“Thank you”, he had said while they were watching a movie, just the two of them. Linn had just smiled._

Matteo knew all this started because he was alone. Since then, he tried to surround himself with more of his friends. He would go out with them, go to parties and all of that, but he still felt a bit alone, though. He never really felt like he was present. But this was better. He didn’t want to feel so hopeless and miserable again. 

But it had happened again.

While he was together with Noah. It was around Christmas, their first Christmas together. They were planning to spend it in Matteo’s apartment, but all that had gone to shit when they had a fight on the first day of winter vacation. Matteo remembers yelling at Noah to _just fuck off_ and leave him alone. And that’s what Noah did. 

He spent his vacation smoking weed and ignoring his phone. At first, Linn hadn’t been around to pull him out of it this time, and so he had sunk deep into his despair and guilt.

He thought of his mother again. How both he and his father had left her all alone_. Noah will leave, too,_ he thought, _and Abdi, and Carlos, and Jonas._ _It’s inevitable_. People like him were meant to be alone.

When he couldn’t stand it anymore - the loneliness, the hopelessness, the guilt, in his absolute despair he googled suicide methods. When he realised what he was doing, he quickly closed the tab. But he still felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Two days before New Year’s, Noah had shown up at his doorstep. Matteo was a mess. He had lost weight, he had dark circles under his eyes, he hadn’t changed his clothes or showered in a week. He didn’t want Noah to see him like this.

Noah hugged him and he broke down crying.

The next few days, Noah hadn’t left his side. At first it irritated Matteo a lot, but he got used to it. Noah didn’t really get into his way. He just made sure he wasn’t smoking anymore, and was eating enough. His presence was comforting.

Matteo had gotten better, with both Linn and Noah taking care of him. But Matteo still felt insecure and guilty. He had treated Noah badly. What’s more, Noah had seen him _like this_.

So, when they were having a bath together, Matteo had asked, “Are you going to break up with me?”

Noah looked at him, shocked. He quickly changed his expression to a more neutral one and answered Matteo’s question with another one, “Do you want me to?”.

“No.”

“I also don’t want to break up with you”, he tried to smile. Matteo felt a bit better. He wasn’t going to be alone. Noah was staying with him, for now.

Noah spoke up again, he was looking down at the bubbles in the bath, “I got so scared”, he chuckled. “I thought you’ve… lost interest. In me. That we really were done.”

Matteo felt the heaviness in his chest return, “I think I just… lost interest in life”.

Despite being the main reason for Matteo to stay afloat, Noah had still left. But it was okay, Matteo knew it would happen.

Matteo was lying in bed, in David’s hoodie, thinking about everything that had happened. _It was good, but it still had to end. _Realistically, he knew the whole thing with David wouldn’t have lasted. David was someone who deserved only the best, not Matteo. But, still, he liked to imagine how it would have been like, if he was anyone else. Perhaps, he would have had the guts to tell David how he really felt. And maybe, David would have said it back. David might even give dating a chance. _He has Leonie, now._

He remembered a conversation they had, recently. David had asked him _why it was so bad to be alone._

_Because of this_, Matteo thought, _this is what happens when I am alone._

He thought about Jonas and the boys. They all seemed like they had their lives figured out. They didn’t need someone like _Matteo_. Matteo is just a nuisance. And it was better if he wasn’t with them. But that was okay. Matteo didn’t want to be with himself, either. That’s why he kicked them out of his room. So they didn’t have to waste their time on him.

Matteo thought about Noah, too. He remembered how many times Noah had tried to get him to talk to someone. But the problem was, that they talked about therapy, when Matteo was happy. Or, as happy as he could be. It was in moments like this that he thought he was fine. He didn’t need help, see, he was happy, now. He just got sad sometimes.

_“Matteo,” Noah was holding his face, looking deeply into his eyes, “Normal people don’t get this sad.” And Matteo felt hurt. Was he not normal? _

_“You exhaust me.”_

_I know._

But mostly, he thought about his family. They were on much better terms now with his mom. But still, they didn’t talk to each other as much as a mother and her son should. _It’s my fault. _He thought about his father, too. But it was mostly about the fact that he had left them.

_Fuck_. His eyes were filling with tears again. He really wanted to see his mom now.

He couldn’t get out of bed.

But he was sick of always feeling like this.

He reached to his phone and dialled her number, before he started overthinking it.

“Matteo, my darling boy!” she answered cheerfully, “how are you?”

But Matteo couldn’t answer. He was already crying, “Mom.”

“Matteo? Matteo, what’s wrong?”

Matteo couldn’t say anything, he just sobbed on the phone.

“Why can’t I just be happy, mom?”_,_ he had asked at one point, but she hadn’t answered. She was crying, too.

Eventually, when they both calmed down, they agreed to see each other the next day. So they could talk properly. Matteo’s chest didn’t feel as heavy anymore.

The thing he hated the most when he was in this state was how his mind seemed to slow down. It was like everything around him was moving fast, but his thoughts came to him in slow motion. _Right. I have to see mom._

But it was nine pm, and he still hadn’t gotten up. It was like his limbs were too heavy. He felt as if someone was pushing him down, and he couldn’t get up.

He did manage to get out of bed, though, it was nearly one am. He didn’t bother to change his clothes – he was still wearing David’s hoodie, but it didn’t smell like David anymore. He took his phone and left his room.

What made him stop was the sight that greeted him in the living room. Abdi and Carlos were sleeping on the sofa, while Jonas and David were on the floor. It didn’t look comfortable at all.

“We couldn’t make them leave”, he heard someone say from the front door. It was Mia, she had just got home, “They didn’t want to leave you alone.”

Matteo felt warm.

When Matteo came back to his flat it was late. He had spent the whole day with his mother, talking to her. At first, it had been hard. He had never stopped feeling guilty for leaving. But the minute he saw her face, and when she hugged him, he forgot about it all. Surrounded by her warmth, he felt like he would be okay.

He saw Hans sitting in the kitchen, eating ice cream, scrolling on his phone. Matteo realised he never actually apologized to him. _Better late than never._

He sat opposite Hans on the tiny kitchen table. The older man looked at him with a small smile. He let his phone rest on the table and concentrated his attention on Matteo.

“Hans,” he started, “I’m sorry about the other day”. Hans’ smile got bigger. He reached out to the cabinet behind him, taking a spoon and offered it to Matteo.

They spent the next few minutes eating in silence. Then, Hans started talking.

“Are you feeling better, now?”, he asked gently. Matteo just shrugged.

“I guess”, he said, “I talked to my mom.”, he added hesitantly, “I’ll, uh, meet up with her therapist next week.” Hans took his hand and squeezed it. He didn’t say anything else, and Matteo was grateful.

It got silent between them again.

Hans broke the silence again, though, he was smirking, “You and David?”

Matteo blushed. He had spent hours talking about David earlier this day. There was no point denying it anymore, “Yeah, we… had a thing”.

“Had?”, Hans raised his eyebrows.

“I don’t know”, Matteo was smiling, “I really like him”. Hans smiled back at him.

“Why don’t you tell him?”

“It might ruin things between us”, Matteo took another spoonful of ice cream, “And I… I want to try being happy on my own.” He didn’t want to live in fear anymore. His mom had told him, he couldn’t rely solely on other people to make him happy. He should learn how to be okay on his own, too.

Hans looked at him, thoughtfully, “I still think you should tell him”. Then his phone rang. He looked at the message and got up. “Well, now. I have to go. I have a date”.

Matteo was amused, “Wait, now?”

Hans just winked as he got out of the kitchen. After a few seconds he leaned back, so he could look at Matteo, “I’m gonna force David to start paying rent if he keeps the living room occupied any longer”. And with that, he was gone.

_David is still here? _

Matteo went to the living room. David was sleeping on the sofa. _This boy_, Matteo thought. He went to the sofa and started poking David’s face.

“Hans, stop that”, he said without opening his eyes. His voice was raspy. Matteo’s chest felt warm.

“Hans, stop that”, he mocked. When David heard his voice, he opened his eyes. Matteo took his hands and pulled him off the sofa. Even when he looked this dishevelled, he still looked good.

“Let’s go to bed”, Matteo said as he kissed him. David took his hand in his and followed him into the room.

Matteo woke up to David looking at him and his heart skipped a beat.

“Good morning”, David said, quietly. _This is what I want, _Matteo thought. _Maybe not right now._

David got closer to him, so their foreheads were touching, “Are you okay?”. There was worry in his voice. Matteo took a closer look. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked pale. His chest tightened. He didn’t want others to worry about him. He wanted to get better.

_I love you,_ Matteo thought.

David took a hold of his hand, bringing it close to his lips. He was holding it as if it was something precious.

_I love you_, Matteo thought.

Noah had always been good at understanding other people’s emotions. And he knew Matteo better than anyone. It’s no wonder that he had known about Matteo’s feelings before Matteo realised it himself.

David was looking at him. The whole friends with benefits thing really was a stupid idea. How could he not fall in love with David?

It didn’t matter that Matteo wasn’t ready for a relationship now. It didn’t matter that David didn’t love him back. He just wanted David to know. 

“I love you”, Matteo said.


	9. i just wanna be yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy the last chapter! thank you again for reading and commenting! <3 
> 
> chapter title for i wanna be yours by the arctic monkeys, because i couldn't think of anything else haha

“Don’t freak out”, Matteo said while smiling a bit.

“I’m not freaking out”, David said, as he was freaking out.

When Matteo said he loved him, David felt as if he was dreaming, as if he would combust with happiness any moment. The boy of his dreams said he loved him. Someone as amazing as Matteo loved David. It was too good to be true.

But that was short-lived, though, as in the next moment the panic had started to settle in his heart. He wanted to say something to Matteo, anything really, but no words came out of his mouth. His heart was beating too fast, and his palms were sweating. It was getting hard to breathe.

“David”, Matteo said gently as he took David’s hands in his, “It’s okay. Breathe.”

But it wasn’t okay. What were they supposed to do now? What they had was good enough, but they jinxed it. Now, when feelings were involved from both sides, it would go downhill. _This is bad_, David thought. _I don’t want to lose him._

Matteo was looking at him with such warmth in his eyes that David’s heart ached. _I really don’t want to lose him. _

“It’s okay. I just wanted to tell you”, Matteo pulled him out of his thoughts. “I just wanted you to know”, he repeated. David nodded slowly, as to indicate that he was listening. But he needed to get out of the room. To get away from Matteo so he could think. They could fix this. It could all be like before. David has always ignored his feelings for Matteo, so it won’t be a problem. Matteo would realise that David was not worth this. It was going to be fine.

He really wanted to get out of the room. He needed to think this over. They could still fix it.

He felt Matteo’s hands on his cheeks. His thumbs were stroking his cheekbones. David looked into his eyes.

_If I was someone else_, he thought, _we could have been_-

“David”, the boy in front of him interrupted his thoughts, “you don’t have to do anything about this. I just wanted you to know,” he stressed. David felt his chest tightening.

David had never been someone who craved a relationship, or even believed in things like true love. That was the main reason for him and Noah not to get along very well. But then, he met Matteo, and he let himself sometimes think, _what if it isn’t all bullshit_. What if there was some truth in all those stupid romcom movies and books. He couldn’t lie and say that his days weren’t better when he was with Matteo, or that the thought of not being able to see him anymore didn’t break his heart.

And it had all gotten worse once they started the whole friends with benefits thing. It was easy to ignore his feelings while Matteo was with Noah, but after that it had gotten a hundred times harder. It was one thing thinking about how soft Matteo’s lips looked and a whole other thing to actually experience the softness. And as much as David liked the physical aspect of their deal, he lived for the small in between moments. He loved it when Matteo would snuggle closer to him, would wrap his arms and legs around David just to make him stay five more minutes in bed. He loved it when Matteo would cook them something at two am. He loved it when Matteo kissed him slow and sweet. Mostly, he loved how understood he felt around Matteo, how he could be himself without explaining, without apologising.

He just really loved Matteo.

But fear was stronger than love.

“I have to go”, David said and leaned back a bit, out of Matteo’s reach. Matteo looked down. But then he looked at David again, smiling.

“Okay”, he said, softly.

“Okay”, repeated David, but he was still sitting on Matteo’s bed.

They were just looking at each other. Matteo scooted closer to David, taking his hands in his own. He leaned in and rested his forehead on David’s. “Don’t run away”, he whispered.

David’s chest hurt. He cupped Matteo’s cheeks and kissed his forehead.

“I won’t”, and with that he left.

He hadn’t talked to Matteo in two days.

It was Hell.

_I’m pathetic_, David thought. _I really miss him_.

But he didn’t know what to do. He had already broken nearly all his rules for Matteo. The worst part was that he wanted this. He wanted to wake up next to Matteo, he wanted to kiss him goodnight, he wanted them to cook together, he wanted all the stupid things people in relationships did. He really wanted it. But, what would happen to him, when Matteo realised he could do better than David? What would he do when he loses something so precious to him? Could he really survive the heartache?

It was nearly seven am, and David was out of his apartment for his morning run. He hoped it would distract him from all this, yet he couldn’t keep Matteo out of his mind. But that was nothing new.

David had been running for half an hour, when he passed a familiar coffee shop. He stopped and took a few steps back. He was right in front of the glass door, and could see inside.

Noah was there in his uniform, wiping the counter.

_Fuck this._

He tried to open the door, but it was locked. Noah looked up to see who was trying to get in. When he saw David, he frowned. He jumped over the counter and went to the door.

“We haven’t opened yet, come back in an hour”, he said with his hands crossed over his chest.

“Can we talk?”

For a few minutes, none of them moved. Then Noah sighed and unlocked the door.

“So.” They were sitting on one of the tables in the centre of the café. David was nervous. Noah was looking at him, clearly uninterested. “What do you want?”, he asked, curtly.

“I don’t…”, David started, hesitantly. He didn’t know how to express what he wanted to say. Plus, he felt like an asshole for coming to Noah for this, but strangely enough, he knew that he was the only person who could help him.

He straightened up on his chair, and cleared his throat. “What did you mean back then? When you told me not to fuck him over, because I’m scared.”

Noah leaned in, his elbows on the table, with his chin resting on his palms, “Which part did you not understand?”, he asked. David glared at him. _Did he have to be so difficult?_

“David, you are in love with Matteo. And I’m pretty sure Matteo also loves you”, when Noah said that, David’s chest started tightening again, “But Matteo isn’t going to try to date you, because he knows about your stupid relationships are fake mind-set.” Noah looked at the windows behind David’s back, “So. It’s up to you. But you are also not going to do anything, because you don’t want to get hurt”.

David had leaned back on his chair, looking down at the floor.

Noah spoke up again, not as harsh anymore, “I’m sorry about what happened with your parents.” David looked up at him.

“But not everyone is like them. You can’t keep pushing people away, just because you don’t want to be hurt again,” Noah was looking at him, his expression neutral.

David didn’t say anything. Noah leaned back again.

“What your parents did was awful”, he started, “But the problem is in them, not in you”. Noah was obviously uncomfortable. He got up and went back to the counter to turn on the coffee machine.

They stayed in silence while Noah was making coffee.

“You don’t have to spend the rest of your life alone,” Noah said as he placed the cup in front of him. David was about to pay him, but Noah just glared at him.

David has had this conversation at least a hundred times with Laura. But, he hadn’t known Matteo then. He hadn’t had a reason not to want to be alone.  


Noah and Matteo had been together for two years. They had loved each other, but it wasn’t enough. They still had broken up.

“Do you miss him?”, David asked. Noah glared at him again._ Not very considered of me. _

“Yeah”, Noah answered, “but, as a friend. I miss him like I miss you guys.”

It got quiet between them again. David sipped his coffee. A million things were running through his mind.

“Look, David,” Noah had noticed his worry, “Relationships aren’t that bad. You just have to give it a try”, he was getting frustrated.

Surely, it wasn’t that easy. You can’t spend all your time with someone, and then… not.

“What if we break up?”, he asked quietly. Noah just shrugged.

“If you break up, you break up. It’s not the end of the world. Even if it seems like it in the beginning”. David wasn’t convinced.

“It’s not that simple”, he said. Noah rolled his eyes.

“Yes, it is.” _Why couldn’t they agree on one thing for once?_

“David,“ Noah rubbed his palms all over his face, “You might break up and still be friends. Or, you might end up hating each other so much that you can’t stand to be in the same room. You might even end up getting married. Who knows? There is no point in dwelling on things that haven’t happened yet.”

“But,” David thought back about the past few weeks, when Matteo wouldn’t leave his room, when he hadn’t spoken to anyone. “I don’t know if I can make him happy. You know how he gets… I don’t know how to help him. I d-”

“It’s not your job to help him”, Noah had pinched the bridge of his nose with his hand, “Matteo will help himself, you just have to be supportive.” 

David didn’t say anything for a while. But Noah was getting annoyed.

“David, you said it yourself”, Noah was smirking at him, “It’s just a chemical reaction, it’s not that-.”

“It’s really going to hurt when he leaves”, David said. Noah was looking at him, his expression had softened.

“He’ll make sure not to hurt you”.

“I know, that’s the worst part,” Noah sighed, again. David knew he was being difficult. “Maybe, it’s for the best not to do anything.”

If Noah had any sympathy for him, it was gone now.

“You don’t really think that”, Noah said, his eyes were cold. “You wouldn’t be here, having this conversation with me, if you really didn’t want to do anything.”

He had gotten up. He went to David’s side of the table, taking his hands and pulling him up.

“You love each other, and believe it or not, sometimes that’s enough”, David was about to protest, but Noah didn’t give him the chance, “Even if it hurts, trust me, it would be worth it”. Noah was pushing him towards the door.

“You will be fine”, Noah had his hands on David’s shoulder, shaking him lightly. “Both of you deserve to be happy, stop fighting it”. And with that he pushed David out of the door.

“I have to open, now”, he said, “You go talk to him”. He was back to his normal self – rude and annoying.

“Thank you”, David smiled at him. But Noah had just rolled his eyes.

It was nine pm and David was in front of the door of Matteo’s flat. He had finally gathered the courage to go talk to him. He was about to knock when Matteo opened the door.

“Na”, he greeted. He looked better than the last time David had seen him. His eyes were no longer red and puffy, and the dark circles under them had almost faded.

“Na”, David said back.

“I got nervous with you just standing in front of the door”, he chuckled, “Come in”.

Once they were in the hallway of the apartment, David hugged Matteo. They stayed like that for a while, just clinging to each other.

They were in Matteo’s room, on his bed once again. They hadn’t said anything else since David had come in.

Then David realised.

He never said it back.

Matteo was nervously looking around the room. He was just about to say something, but David interrupted him.

“I love you, too”, he said, probably a bit too quickly. “I realised I never said it back, so. I love you, too”, he repeated a bit more slowly. Matteo grinned at him. His cheeks were red and David wanted to kiss him.

“Okay”, he said while smiling, “That’s great”, Matteo bit his lip and looked away. He was still smiling, though.

“Yeah”, David was smiling, too. _It really is that simple._

“What do we do now?”, Matteo asked. God, this was so awkward.

But, David was happy.

“I don’t know”, he answered. Then both of them laughed.

When they calmed down, they spent a few minutes just looking and smiling at each other. Then Matteo looked away again.

“So, you changed your mind?”, Matteo’s voice was quiet, “about relationships?”.

“Yeah”, David answered, “I figured I should stop being scared”.

Matteo wasn’t smiling anymore.

“David”, he started, “when I was together with Noah, I… was afraid. A lot. And when I think back about our time together, even if they are happy memories, they… they get overshadowed by my fear”, he ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. “I don’t want to feel like that again”.

David was confused. He wasn’t sure what Matteo wanted to tell him.

David took his hands in his own, squeezing them. Matteo looked into his eyes. “I think I’ll need time to figure out some… stuff.”

_Oh._

_It was over before it even started._

“So, I can’t ask you to wait for me, but”, Matteo’s face was red. David’s face was also warm, “I just… want to get better, before we get together”.

_Before we get together_. Matteo also wanted this.

Waiting has never been a problem for David.

“Okay, of course”, he said. He couldn’t help the grin that was forming on his face. Matteo was also grinning.

“Really?”, he asked. David took his face in his hands, bringing him closer. He kissed him, and felt Matteo melting against him. When they broke apart, their grins were wider.

“Yes, really”.

Matteo leaned in again, but they were smiling too much to kiss properly.

David was almost done with Abi. He could literally almost taste the freedom as he left his Maths exams. After his Advanced P.E. one he would probably sleep for a week. It was much more stressful than he anticipated.

He was about to text Leonie to ask her if she wanted to do something after the exam, but he saw Matteo at the entrance of the school. He really looked good. He had a brown oversized jacket, on top of a white T-shirt. And his pants were actually fitting him.

Matteo had noticed him, too. He took out his phone.

**From Italien:**

(13:50) meet me at the auditorium?

David looked up from his phone to Matteo and nodded.

When David finally made his way there, he was pulled into the room. Matteo wrapped his hands around his neck and kissed him.

_I missed this_, David thought. Matteo licked his lips, as if asking for permission. David parted his lips. _I really missed this._

They pulled apart, but Matteo still had his hands around his neck.

“Hi”, he said, while grinning.

“Hi?”, David grinned back, a bit confused.

Matteo’ was blushing. He looked really cute like this.

“Will you go on a date with me?”, he asked. David’s eyes widened. He leaned back a bit.

“What?”

“I’m not saying it again”, Matteo pulled his hands off him, but David caught them.

“No, no, what did you say?” He pulled Matteo closer to him again.

“Will you go on a date with me?”

David couldn’t stop smiling. He hugged Matteo, who also wouldn’t stop grinning.

“Yes”.

They were lying in bed, tired and naked. Matteo got closer to David, so he could rest his head on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“Are we gonna tell the others? About us?”, David asked. He turned to Matteo, so he could kiss the top of his head.

“What about us?”, Matteo smirked. David rolled his eyes.

“You are so annoying.”

“Excuse me, I am a delight.”

David pinched his stomach, and Matteo pulled his hair.

“The most annoying boyfriend ever”, David said, as he kissed his annoying boyfriend.

Matteo smiled into the kiss.

“I don’t know”, Matteo said when they broke apart, “I think it would be funny if we let them figure it out on their own. I bet Carlos will be the last one to notice.”

“Yeah, probably”, David laughed.

He looked down at Matteo, who had his eyes closed, “I love you”, he whispered.

“I love you, too”. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i started this i literally got ready to delete it the next day. i never thought anyone would actually be interested in this. what's more u can probably tell i am very insecure about my writing, so i never really had any hope for this. it was just something i wanted to try. and tbh it gave me a lot of anxiety! 
> 
> but you guys were so nice to me! i can't thank you enough for the comments, you seriously don't understand how much they made my day. Thank you so much! 
> 
> i also tried not to look much at the "statistics", but woah! 100 kudos??? 1000+ hits???? what??????? why???????????  
i literally have no words! i can just thank you for being so nice to me, on my first fic.
> 
> but this is it! it's done! i sincerely hope that there will be more friends with benefits aus, because it really is a fun trope. 
> 
> thank you again so much for everything <3

**Author's Note:**

> hope u like it? i had fun writing it, honestly! hope you have a nice day <3 <3


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